Diver: Neon “The Mad Groover” Leon (aka Noel from the Schoolhouse)

Interesting facts: This diver has actually been docked a day’s pay for napping on the job


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

What was up with half the town of Durango turning Barack Obama’s inauguration into an unofficial drinking holiday? I respect the man and couldn’t be happier to have him in office, but literally everyone in my office called in “sick” that Tuesday. I could see that kind of thing happening in Selma. But Durango? What’s the deal?

– Desk Jockey, via e-mail

Dear Over Achiever,

You must be one of those people who actually likes sitting in your cubicle staring at a computer screen. Some of us would rather spend the day stumbling from bloodies at Carvers to white Russians at El Rancho to bobacs (big ole’ bourbon and cokes) at Orio’s Roadhouse. I think you are lucky that people in your office had the courtesy to call in “sick.”  I didn’t. Does it matter one’s location to understand the significance of that day in history? Have you already forgotten about the last eight years? My bank account hasn’t, and I’m sure the children of Iraq haven’t. Well, I guess someone had to take the sick calls.

– Diver 

Dear Diver,

I’m pretty sure someone asked this recently, but is the mustache making a comeback in Durango? I see lip dressing everywhere these days. Beards are turning into handlebars and clean shaven is going the way of the wooly worm. Am I already behind the times?

– Tom in Durango

Dear Mr. Selleck,

Every spring my friends and I gather at an undisclosed location. Masked with graying beards from a long winter, we ceremonially release the Remington trimmers on our scraggly whiskers and thus, The Mustache Party. It is liberating to sport a lip squirrel. You can be whoever you want to be, from Mark Twain to Hulk Hogan. I like to be Wyatt Earp. You must be careful though. Hitler, Saddam Hussein and “Weird Al” Yankovic all had nostril filters. This April I advise you, Tom, to gather your closest friends and have your own Mustache Party. Be sure you know them well because things can get a little awkward. Do not let wives and girlfriends know in advance. Let them experience the snot mop without a preconceived opinion. Hey, you can always get rid of it. Good luck!  

– Diver

Dear Diver,

My wife has been putting on the full court press for a second child. We have one healthy, perfect kid, a solid relationship and a stable bank account (I’d like it to stay that way). What are your recommendations for keeping the missus happy and the crib empty?

– Peter D. Out

Dear Dear Peter,

When Sherman marched through the South he gave the orders, “To army corps commanders alone is entrusted the power to destroy mills, houses, cotton-gins…” The wrath of your wife will be much the same as Sherman’s and so, your plight is much the same as the southern States. I advise you to give up. If the South had given up early on, there would have been a lot less suffering. You might be the shell of the man you once were, but in time you will have a happy marriage with another “perfect” child.  Just get her to agree that this is the last “perfect” child.  Then get snipped. You don’t want a “perfect” mistake. Or you can lie and agree to try for another all the while taking male birth control pills. Just think about all the sad guys in town not getting laid. Sorry dude.

– Diver

In this week's issue...

January 25, 2024
Bagging it

State plastic bag ban is in full effect, but enforcement varies

January 26, 2024
Paper chase

The Sneer is back – and no we’re not talking about Billy Idol’s comeback tour.

January 11, 2024
High and dry

New state climate report projects continued warming, declining streamflows