Dear Diver,

It appears that I’m the last man standing. Every single one of my close friends is now either married, married with kids or engaged. One buddy has suggested I’m missing the boat and rapidly approaching my expiration date. But to be honest, the single life still seems to suit me (38’s the new 28, right?) What to do?

– Off to Happy Hour

Dear O.H.H.,

You sound like my ex-boyfriend. For as long as I’ve known him, he’s given his friends shit for capitulating to the controlling world of insecure women. He lives the ultimate bachelor lifestyle while his friends and colleagues swoon at his 20-something girlfriends and hotrod cars.  

Live it up – enjoy the single life. Screw everyone who thinks you should sacrifice happy hours, independence and the ability to watch as many sports games as you wish for guilt-ridden trips to the theater and nagging wives asking if you’re going to shower (see below).  

Keep an eye out for my ex’s upcoming article in Inside Outside Magazine about being single and dating in mountain towns. Or try www.match.com where we hear lots of people are falling in love and getting married.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

It’s been a full week since New Year’s Day, and I’m still on the wagon! For the record, I’m just detoxing and dropping pounds and not hanging up the drinking horn. Does the Diver have any pointers for surviving another seven-day cycle? A couple more pounds and living liver would be nice.

– Wendy, via e-mail

So, Wendy,

We don’t get it – you want to keep drinking, keep your girlish figure, and keep your liver? Forget it! Not possible.You can’t have your whiskey and drink it, too. As they say – cheap, light, strong … pick two. So what’ll it be?

Our suggestion is to do what the rest of Coloradoans do – stay healthy by playing hard and enjoy a refreshing adult beverage at the end of the day.  In the process, you’ll support the local economy, too. At the recent Southwest Business Forum, microbreweries we touted as one of the strongest economic drivers in Colorado – which bodes well for Durango. In these hard times, you have a responsibility to support the bartenders and brewers that serve you.  

– Divers

Dear Diver,

My husband spends approximately 30 minutes showering, shaving and styling his hair each morning before work. When he leaves, he’s always pressed out and wearing his nicest and most attractive clothing. On the weekends (his time with me), he doesn’t even bother bathing and can usually be found in his favorite pair of torn and stained sweat pants. Should I be concerned?  

– 10 years and counting in Durango

Dear 10 Years,

Let’s talk about you for a minute: Aren’t you thrilled to kick off your high heels on a Friday afternoon and race to the bar in your scrappy sneakers? You just can’t argue with a man’s urge to slob, especially in a town where torn and stained sweats are en vogue.

After 10 looong years together, your problem clearly runs deeper than the coffee stain in the crotch. According to a book on the back of this Diver’s toilet: “Women’s biggest struggle is maintaining a sense of self while expanding to serve the needs of others. Men’s biggest struggle is overcoming the tendency to be self-centered.” Honey, it’s all about compromise. As long as you’re still gettin’ some, buck up.

If you’re not, however, (why else would this be an issue?), here are some pointers: Give him Scent-Away – a hunting deodorant that will neutralize his scent and make him feel like even more of a man (apparently now available in Main Avenue retail stores). Give him a massage – at least it will get those scrappy sweat pants off. And make sure you keep those legs shaved.   

– Divers