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| Dear Diver, Holiday party season is back, and I’m more than ready for a little gratis food and refreshment. Who throws the best holiday bash in town, and how do I get invited? Also, what’s the appropriate camouflage for scoring free Swedish meatballs and merlot and not getting busted? Lastly, can you recommend a Christmas circuit – a freebie pub crawl of sorts – for me and my dearest friends? – Freddie the Freeloader Dear Free Loadn’ Fred Well, aren’t you everybody’s favorite “who invited that guy?” at the holiday party? If you are having trouble getting invites, we hear Manna Soup Kitchen is an equal-opportunity feeder. We suggest that you enhance your free loadin’ ways by investing in a Santa suit and standing at the Walmart stop light with a sign that reads “sleigh broken, need parts.” The Santa suit will not only help you get into these coveted parties and score some free goods but also help you be the life of the party (after all, everyone loves a drunk Santa). Lastly, we aren’t familiar with a Christmas party circuit, but we do know a good potty circuit (don’t knock it till you try it). Need we say it again? Santa suit, and I hope your friends are short. No one likes a tall elf. – Santa’s “Divin’ Potty Posse” Dear Diver, What exactly is a Zhu Zhu, and why does everyone want one under their Christmas tree? – Elmo, via e-mail Dear “not so tickled” Elmo, Is somebody jealous about not being the most coveted item this holiday season? You are so 2008. This question can be answered with another question – To be … or not to be (a pet owner)? These loveable half pets are a great addition to any family that can’t pick up after or feed an actual hamster (and bonus: they don’t die. Just add some AA’s and you’re good to go). So join the craze and pick up a half pet for $100 on ebay (but remember, next December, they’ll be so last year just like you). – Shop On! Divers Dear Diver What’s your take on Purgatory’s Passgate (you know the deal where the local woman was critical of our “home mountain” and had her pass tugged)? What do you think? Local business protecting itself or corporation throwing its weight around? Is my pass safe? – Out of bounds in Durango Dear Boundary Basher, It’s easy to be critical of our “Traversatory Home Mountain,” but one should be more informed before criticizing the beloved Shwagatory in a local news outlet. Purgatory doesn’t need any more whiners so the Head Honcho took the opportunity to get rid of one more. Your pass is safe, but only gripe amongst friends (and be thankful for a T-Ride pass). – Ski on, Divers P.S. At least we only have to deal with Texans, and not I-70. |
In this week's issue...
- January 25, 2024
- Bagging it
State plastic bag ban is in full effect, but enforcement varies
- January 26, 2024
- Paper chase
The Sneer is back – and no we’re not talking about Billy Idol’s comeback tour.
- January 11, 2024
- High and dry
New state climate report projects continued warming, declining streamflows