Dear Diver,

I’m a new dad facing a deep dilemma. Every time I leave the house with my new addition, I have to take bottles, blankies, wipes, diapers and a variety of stimulating things for my daughter to chew on or play with. Here’s the problem. This cargo needs to be carried, and I either need to sport my daughter’s pink diaper bag (read purse) or wear a fanny pack around town. Please help.

– Don the Dad

Dear Dad,

The Diver feels your pain. Hard to be a real man when you are sporting a pink purse on your hip. I suggest you get Googling sir! Try clicking on “camouflage diaper bags” and you will be amazed at the plethora of choices awaiting you. And while you are waiting for your diaper bag in a choice of camo, mossy oak or realtree hardwoods pattern, I suggest you hustle on down to the nearest army surplus store for a temporary bag in basic army green. Add a Palin/McCain sticker (oops, McCain/Palin) and an NRA logo and you won’t have to worry about anyone mistaking you for some kind of sensitive new-age wimp.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

It’s seems like businesses, including bars, restaurants and laundromats, are always bragging about how they were voted “Best in Durango.” Having frequented a few of these “Bests,” I’ve got two questions. One, who is doing the voting? Two, where can I find a polling place?

– Mac on the South Side

Dear South Side Mac-

This is one of Durango’s most shameful secrets. In the years 1982-1996, the “Best of” Gang was running their sleazy scam on the unsuspecting businesses of Durango. One of their operatives would show up at the business, tell them they were doing a review for the “Best of Durango” contest, and request free goods and services. In the eternal quest for free marketing, many prominent businesses fell for it. The clever gang would then deliver a bogus certificate they printed on their basement printing press to the business for them to display. This went on for years. When the gang got wind the jig was up, they left in the dark of night, never to be seen or heard from again. There have been some rumors they are currently operating in Wasilla, Ak.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

I know you’ve been asked this question before, but the last answer just didn’t hit it. So here it is – What’s wrong with people?

– Stumped on Sixth Avenue

Dear Stumped,

Deep philosophical questions such as this sometimes take weeks to ponder, but in a country that is seriously considering electing a  plucky little hockey mom without a solid idea in her head as the vice-president for the oldest presidential candidate in history, time is of the essence. So here is my counsel. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Put a sock on that foot before you put it into your mouth. Wait 24 hours before you send that pissed off e-mail. It is better to be alone than wish you were. It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness. Oh, and everyone needs to turn off their frikkin’ televisions. Whew! The Diver needs a martini.

– Diver