Dear Diver,

I read a story not long ago about a North Carolina teenager who is dropping out of high school so he can become a professional video gamer (Guitar Hero happens to be his weapon of choice). Apparently, your average vidiot can go out, compete in an arena setting before thousands of cheering fans and bring home as much as $60,000 a year. Where do I sign up?

– Donkey Kong

Dear Kong

We know. We want to sign up, too. But first, before you get too excited about your new-found “career” here are the pre-requisites:

1. Have no life.

2. Commit to living with your parents until you are at least 45 (not because you can’t take care of yourself, but because you’ll have spent so much of your time trying to defeat Onaga, the dragon king in “Mortal Combat: Deception” on expert setting, that you no longer have any concept of how to perform any basic adult responsibilities)

3. Virginity.

Whelp, that blows it for us. Hopefully you don’t qualify either!

– Divers

Dear Diver,

Why do groups of four to six people have to crowd bar counters when there are empty booths available? They crowd single patrons who have to sit elbow-to-elbow with these people. Is this a Durango thing? These groups should have more consideration for the patrons already sitting at the bar.

– Signed, In Search of Crowd Control

Dear Control,

Oh that was YOU the other night? In fact, I’m pretty sure that was us pressed up against you . There was just something about the back of your head that looked so friendly. The annoyed scowl on your face when you turned around just made us want you more. Or maybe it was the four shots we had at the bar before. But what concerns us is your utter distaste for being around other people when you are, in fact, sitting in the epitome of Fun Town.

This may be too forward, but we’ll risk it … the next time you see an empty booth or a table for ONE, perhaps consider moving there yourself. Any bar is fair game.

It’s called a bar stool not a throne.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

I know it’s stupid but all my buddies are wearing the pants below their boxers and half-way down the cheek-line. I’ve tried to get with the times but keep accidentally dropping trow in some pretty awkward places (standing in line at the bank, during Pint Night, scoping for girls at the farmers market). Any pointers for staying in style and avoiding the backside burn?

– Durango Dave 

Dear Dave,

Suspenders are back! And … so you can sleep at night, ass crack and boxer flashing were NEVER in style. Become the trendsetter and tell your friends. For our sake and our eyes’ … PLEASE!

– Divers