Divers: Nick, of Durango fame

Interesting Facts: Nick is currently a victim of his own economic crisis and is gainfully unemployed


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

I’ve got a late season river trip coming up in a couple of weeks, and I’m a river virgin. I’ve got my dry bag, pfd and cojones but still have a question – what’s the best possible canned beer to stick in my cooler?

– Ready to get my feet wet

Dear wet,

Ah, the dry foot river virgin. I, myself, will be floating Cataract at the time of press and am also a newbie to the river rat scene. While we all enjoy a Ska ESB or even a Fat Tire in a can, sometimes it’s important to keep in mind that a more affordable brew is basically composed of river water and sand anyway and taste can therefore only be improved by an occasional dunk in the mud. You can’t go wrong with Rainier or Schlitz but I would suggest Tecate with a plastic squeeze bottle of limejuice for added style points.  

– Smokerhisky  

P.S. What kind of cojones are you bringing and where did you get them?  

Dear Diver,

Please help. My husband refuses to wear underwear. He claims it’s unnecessary and an issue of “comfort,” but let’s just say we’ve already had a few embarrassing moments. How do I get his fruit back into the looms?

– Wendy, via e-mail

Listen here, Wendy,

We all know this is a petty attempt to keep your husbands giblets on lock down.   However, for the safety of small children and on behalf of dudes everywhere who don’t ever want to think about your special man-friend going commando ever again, I feel inclined to help. This situation calls for an elaborate public de-pantsing. Yes Wendy, this is a tactic employed in middle schools around the world, and we all know it can be a very effective way to up the embarrassment factor when utilized in the most public of places. The next time he’s wailing an air guitar solo on Lynard Skynard’s “Freebird” at the Ranch with all his buddies, you make your move, sister. Grab those britches or pantaloons and give ’em a sound and solid downward yank. This will not only expose his lack of undergarments but also any personal hygiene issues that he’s bound to have. Thus sealing the deal and those nasty bits in the most excruciatingly uncomfortable tighty whities money can buy for all eternity.  

 –Stay Stinky, Uncle Snickers

Dear Diver,

I keep reading all about the financial crisis and am starting to get worried. True, I don’t have any money socked away and am still getting a paycheck, but it still feels a little scary. So, Diver, what are your tips for weathering the “perfect economic storm” or maybe even setting up for a financial breakthrough?

– Penny in Durango

Dear Penny,

Wow, things must be getting serious, huh? It’s remarkably unfortunate that you have resorted to asking the diver for financial advice. Money management is definitely not known to be one of my strong points. In fact, utterly incompetent dysfunctional mismanagement of anything monetary is a primary qualification to be a diver. Most of us have been hanging 10 on the tsunami wave of the “perfect economic storm” for quite some time now. Financial breakdowns are quite common while breakthroughs are few and far between. Recent personal financial breakthroughs involved abandoning lucrative employment opportunities to “bum around and dork out” for a month or two, going on three. Diver wisdom is telling me you should invest in Pabst and ramen noodles and be thankful you have a paycheck. But I mean honestly, Penny, if you’re that concerned maybe you should snap up some extra work on the side. Ask your mom if you can clean leaves out of the gutter or something. You had better get to it though, because I’ll be in the neighborhood with a ladder next week and I need that gig bad.      

– Moke

In this week's issue...

January 25, 2024
Bagging it

State plastic bag ban is in full effect, but enforcement varies

January 26, 2024
Paper chase

The Sneer is back – and no we’re not talking about Billy Idol’s comeback tour.

January 11, 2024
High and dry

New state climate report projects continued warming, declining streamflows