Diver: Andy from Lady Falconburgh’s Interesting facts:Andy, aka Muffin, has had close personal relations with Mrs. Robinson


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

I recently discovered Jesus Christ (no joke) after a life of pretty serious sin. I’m happy in my new calling but not quite ready to trade in my old friends. Any pointers for keeping the born-again thing on the down-low and holding onto a social life in Durango?

– D. Sciple

Dear D. Sciple,

Where exactly did you discover this higher being – in a potato chip, or maybe in the foam of the beer I poured you? Hopefully neither of those fit your bill. If not, I have come up with a couple options to ease your pain. One option is to buy a costume, it’s close enough to Halloween that no one should question your lack of Sunday’s dress code, and if they do just tell them Halloween is your favorite holiday. If that doesn’t work, which I doubt it will, I have come up with the master plan. Call up all of your old friends and tell them you’re having a party and have them to meet you at the church. Lie to them and say it’s an awesome party with all the wine and food you can handle. By the way, make sure they don’t bring their (gods) dogs. Wait maybe dogs are gods, sorry I just read the DaVinci Code.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

I think we’ve finally gotten to the end of the summer of the European tourist. Working in the service industry, I’ve had to make a few adjustments in terms of my personal income, as in I don’t really have any. My question is what’s up with the tipping? Do I need to start slapping a “grat” on all my tabs with accents?

– Sue in Durango

Hello Sue,

Since I work in the industry, I feel your pain with the Euro tipping issue. This is one way to handle the problem, which all relates back to the bags around their waists ... the dreaded FANNYPACK. It took me a while to unzip the secret, but after years of undercover work, my patience has paid off. Now that you know the vein to their wallet is intersected at the waist, this will give you the knowledge that took me 8 years to learn. In your pointless conversation where you blabber the stupid facts you think you know about their country, drop a subtle mention of how you like their waist wallet. At this point, you’re in and the rest of meal is full of happy things like unicorns and rainbows. If all else fails, have them pay in Euros, don’t convert the math for them, and enjoy having the winter season off.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

To flu shot or not to flu shot, that is the question. What are the pros and cons of getting stuck vs. dodging the needle? Should I take my chances or pay a trip to the clinic?

– Starting to Sniffle

Dear Sniffle,

First off, I hope this is the only reason you’re going to the clinic, now that we have that all cleared up...no pun intended, it’s on to the task at hand. Here are the pros and cons of the flu shot, wait a second there are none. What I mention next is your only chance to survive the winter. I suggest you pack your bags, and move to Amarillo, Texas, I hear the winters are beautiful down that way.

– Diver

In this week's issue...

January 25, 2024
Bagging it

State plastic bag ban is in full effect, but enforcement varies

January 26, 2024
Paper chase

The Sneer is back – and no we’re not talking about Billy Idol’s comeback tour.

January 11, 2024
High and dry

New state climate report projects continued warming, declining streamflows