Diver: Chris Biss, of Durango Party Rental

Interesting facts: In addition to amateur river rafting, Chris keeps Durango partying 365 days of the year


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

Why are New Mexicans unable to use their turn signals? Does the bright, yellow license plate somehow inhibit the transfer of electricity from the steering column to the actual bulb? How does the Land of Enchantment survive without proper indication?

- Leilani via e-mail

Dear Leilani,

New Mexican law dictates that anyone who fails their driving test gets a yellow license plate. Nuff said!

– Diver

Dear Diver,

When is the right time to plant my crop? I don’t want to miss out on any outdoor growing time, but there’s a lot at stake here. I sense that there’s at least one more hard freeze in the future. What does the crystal bowl in your industrial-sized sink say?

– Gardener in Durango

Dear Durango Gardener,

I have scraped my crystal bowl, and your senses have not failed you. As you can see, Mother Nature has gone for one more frost and dropped a little more white stuff on us.  I say go Hydro, YO! The indoor season is always in season. That way you don’t have to worry about losing your shirt to the man having to buy your greens.

– The Diver

Dear Diver,

Don’t tell my wife that I’m writing this, but our brand new daughter looks nothing like me. In fact, her red hair and fair complexion (I’ve got dark brown locks) would indicate that we have very little in common. How do I approach this touchy situation without upsetting a woman in the throes of hormonally imbalance? My friends (after they finished laughing at me) told me to let it go, but I’m not so sure.

– No longer expecting in Durango

Dear No Longer Expecting,

This was the ultimate test of my diver abilities. How do I address this without pushing you over the edge? I did some investigating and found that only two pizza shops in town have red-headed delivery drivers. So your first job is to go out in back of your garage and sort through the hundreds of pizza boxes you haven’t recycled since before maternity.  The shop with the biggest pile and red-headed driver must be your man. Now you can move out and join the rest of the singles at the Ranch, hook up and throw up till your brown locks go white. You think your friends might start laughing again? My real suggestion is love your new daughter, start making more nookie with your wife, and shut your trap!

– The Diver