Diver,

I just returned from a trip to one of the classic theme parks on the East Coast. My question is, when did being a fat-ass become a handicap? Every seriously overweight person rides around on these little scooters, many of them smoking cigarettes. It was gross. What’s wrong with these people?

– Jim, via e-mail

Oh my sweetest Jim,

It seems to me that the fruits of the beautiful theme park culture – junk food, cigarettes, shady rides, motorized scooters, shirts that say, “I’ll work for sex,” –  and fat people go hand in hand. Yet, I also slightly agree. Scooters are only cool if they have at least 50cc, and the fat people who ride them should realize the hypocrisy of their misfortune: 1.2 billion people are overweight, while 1.2 billion people are starving. Have you ever seen a fat person’s belly next to a starving person’s belly? Both are blaoted. Come on , share the wealth!

-A very sensual diver

Dear Diver,

My son-in-law has been cheating on his wife, my daughter. Of course, my daughter found out and was very upset. Well, now the daughter is giving him another chance, and I’m pissed. What can I do to make sure they both know that he is not welcome in this family any more?

– Mad Dad in Durango

Dear Mad Dad,

Believe me when I say that I know how you feel. I have actually been cheated on many a time in my day. Just imagine for a minute how I felt when Black Sabbath switched singers from the most bombastic of men, Ronnie James Dio, back to that scumbag of a man, Ozzy Osborne. Or maybe I could reference you back to the time my Meatloaf “Hits Out of Hell” videotape was stolen straight from my 1980s VCR by an unwelcome intruder. And finally there was even that one time my 6-by-4-foot poster of Prince was violently ripped off my wall and torn right through his ever-so-gorgeous golden microphone. OOOOHHHH, the agony!!! So reading your question and finding out that all you have done, as of yet, is given him a verbal ass-kicking over e-mail troubled me deeply, and I must say that I am worried about your fatherly abilities to really put this piece of garbage in his place. And for those naysayers, who say you should butt out, do not let them fool you. Revenge will always feel better. So be a good, loving father and go beat him up, high school style, man.

– Daddy Diver

P.S. Don’t forget to bring some type of rock to put yourself in the advantage. He is young, you’re old, get it!

Diver,

I’ve realized that my parents gave me bad habits growing up. I’m on my way to losing weight, getting in shape and all of that, and I want my sister to do the same. She puts salt on everything. She also eats lots of bologna, sweets and well, everything. How can I get her on the track that I am on, without sounding too condescending and cruel?

– Curious, Jon

Dearest Jon,

Although I commend you on your “health kick,” one must remember not to push your views on others. Look what happened during the Christian Crusades. Don’t get me wrong, I am all about health food, working out and getting a good ol’ pump. I might not like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s political preferences, but no one can deny that he’s sexy. So shop at DNF, ride your bike and don’t smoke or drink, and you will achieve your goal as a total and physical manly machine. In regards to your sister putting salt on her food and eating anything, don’t blame the poor thing. She is just another little colored play ball trying to survive in “McWorlds” sick ball-pit of globalization.  

– Rubies and Gems