Dear Diver,

With gas now at Richie Rich levels, my wife and I are considering a Durango “staycation” this summer. What are the Diver’s recommendations for fun and unusual amenities in the local back yard.

- John in Durango

P.S. We’ve already been to El Rancho

Dear John,

First off, welcome to Durango. I’m sure you are great people. Now, enough about you. It’s time to get busy getting all crunchy for living in our little town with big prices. There are lots of great places to hang and be seen, but there are a few things you’ll need to really be a Durangotang. First, you’ll need a very expensive mountain bike, say $2,500 or up, until the new ones come out next year. Same goes for skiing/snowboarding. If your jacket came out after ’07, you’re lame, dude, get with the program. Now get some kind of coffee mug and lather it up with stickers, then roll it around in the driveway for a while to make it look all beat up. A basket for your vintage antique cruisers might be a nice way to carry stuff home from the farmers market, and it’s a good way to identify it when it gets stolen for a ride home to 11th Street. Throw out all the schwag beers in the tiny fridge in your overpriced apartment, and replace them with chronic local flavors (the only justifiable price increase in town). Forget the rat race of the rest of the world, because you found the center of the universe, and it ain’t getting any cheaper. Now go get some tattoos and go tubing down the river!

– Diver

Diver,

What’s up with the “enlightened ones” in our community. It may be my imagination, but it seems like many of our supposed “centered” spiritual types are wound a little tight and can even get a little agro. Are Durango’s chakras out of alignment or is this the way it is everywhere?

– Desperately Seeking Deep Tissue

Dear Desperately Seeking,

I feel your pain. Some of them crystalline power types can get all agro when we thought their whole deal is to be one with their oneness in their oneness ness. Maybe this is just a case of the grass being greener. Just as my lazy buddy never leaves his house, he sees all the good Montel Williams. Maybe these frumpy hippy types need to let it go, don’t stretch or align any chakras, eat some heavily processed Ball Park franks, watch “House of 10,000 Corpses” a few times and have a few laughs. Things are tough all over, and even us under-the-radar hippy dippy types can get too serious. Just remember this, and you will know of timeless struggles to reach enlightenment: What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vender? Make me one with everything. Now, is that Freedom Rock? Well turn it up!

– Diver

Dear Diver,

Last weekend, me and a group of girlfriends went camping. All was right with the world until an RV with yellow plates and towing three ATVs rolled up next door. Long story short, the next two days were filled with gunfire, ATV peel-out sessions, fireworks and bottle-breaking contests. WWDD? (What Would the Diver Do?).

- Tired of hiding in the tent

Dear Tired of Hiding in the Tent,

I have been there – the things I have seen in America’s recreational back yard, and the things I have done. Go not where others will, hear not what others say, and whatever you do, always have a groover ready. For those of you who don’t know, I’m talking portable lavatory. That’s right, a poop chute. The more wag bags you have, the longer you can stay, and you’ll reap the rewards of your journey into the too far away for most people. Yell, dance, chant, just get the tar nation away from everybody else and you will find bliss! So, go get that groover!

– Diver