Dear Diver,

What ever happened to the Snowdown Cream Pie Hit Squad? Has Snowdown gone all PC on us? Is there really that much liability tied to getting smashed with a tin full of whipped cream? I got pied back in 2000, and it’s definitely on my Durango’s Greatest Hits album. What changed in the last few years?

– Rodney in Hermosa

Trust me, Rodney,

There is always a liability. Because of the Hit Squad you find so amusing I have suffered symptoms and hardships including but not limited to whiplash, broken nose, botulism, shattered collar bone, elephantitis, concussion, gingivitis, glaucoma, male pattern baldness, erectile dysfunction, loss of work, loss of breaks I would have taken while at work, loss of time off, and worst of all, loss of desire to ever support myself again. Therefore, I am currently suing the Snowdown organizers for damages in excess of $196 billion plus court costs and taxes. But if the organizers decide to sign a plea agreement, 2008 could see the inaugural Snowdown Logan Drives a Monster Truck Into Your Living Room, Shoots Your TV 12 Times With a Shotgun and Steals all the Beer in Your Fridge Hit Squad.

– Diver

Dear Diver

I know it sounds weird, but I actually miss Scoot ’n Blues. It just seemed like a good place to go for good, cheesy, all-American fun. There were cheap drinks, free apps and plenty of choppers to gawk at, but now it’s gone. You’ve been around the block a couple times. Can you recommend any replacements?

– Hopeless for happy hour

Hopeless,

You came to the right place, buddy. Let me tell you about a magical, delicious place where the streets are paved with bacon cheeseburgers and goldschlager, and the beer flows like gas from one of the 26,000 wells in our county. It’s a place where everybody knows your name, the women come in every shape, size and flavor, and you can watch Nascar, crossbow fishing, Lean Mean Grillin Machine infomercials, and Jane Fonda workout videos simultaneously, all in HD. It’s called Steamworks, and if you like chopper gawking, come in Labor Day weekend when the boys from Brethren Fast bring their hawgs into the restaurant and do loud, smoky burn outs on surfaces such as tables, plates of food, or the smiling faces of some thrilled chopper gawkerers. Come on in Fridays 3-6 and get a dollar draw that comes with a keg raffle ticket, unless your name is Capm’ in which case you should fly your electric car to Mars to hang out with Jesus like you always do.

– Diver

Dearest Diver,

On what date does spring officially arrive in Durango? I know it’s sacrilege, but I think I’m ready for some warmer temps and meltdown. I’ll admit that patio season is still months away, but a little bit of 30s and 40s would be most welcome. When can I stop holding my breath?

– Chilled out

Dear chilled,

I know your Realtor described the winters here as “mild,” but unfortunately for your pathetic comfort zone, you live at the base of the Rocky Mountains, dude. You want my advice? Keep holding your breath. Wait until your face turns blue, and just when you think you’re about to pass out, hit yourself in the head with a brick. I will be over shortly thereafter to put you inside a puppy transport and take you to the bus station. You’re going to sunny, warm Phoenix, my friend! They have a state-of-the-art carbon dioxide/heavy metal central-air heating system that works great. If everything goes as planned, there are some cold-blooded reptilian folks who want to build another coal burning mega power plant right in our back yard. That’s the fundamental problem with solar/wind/water. They are doing nothing to turn Durango into the tropical paradise we know it was meant to be.

– Diver