Dear Diver,

Snowdown’s just a short week away, and I’m hoping the Diver can set me up with a greatest hits list for this year’s festivities. I definitely don’t need to go to the Feline Fashion Show and Spellabration isn’t my gig. I’m just looking for some good-old fashioned Durango debauchery. So what are the Diver’s picks?

– S. Down, via e-mail

Dear Down,

You’re talking to a Snowdown veteran, so listen up. First off, don’t knock the Feline Fashion show—it’s a great place to get some pussy. Second, I’m with you on the Spellabration, I hate spelling bees, in fact I wish it had the same fissiparous (fi’siparous) tendencies as so many other Snowdown events tend to. Maybe they could replace it with an Abecedarius (language of origin; Latin) Bee. Actually this year, with the firnification (Greek and Latin, then English) of the entire town, they might actually be able to have the Snow Sculpture contest for the first time in years! To top it off, you know how ignominious (Latin > French) the crowds at Spellabration can be. Oh, back to good ol’ debauchery – Focus your attention on the Belt Sander Races Saturday at 2 p.m. at Kroegers followed by Toilet Stuffing With Humans at 3 p.m. at Gazpachos.

– The Diver (a hypocorism (Gk) given to me by my loving folks at birth)

Dear Diver

The landlord refuses to de-ice our steps and things are starting to get a little sketchy. Should I pick up the axe and shovel myself? Or should I take the fall and contact a “personal injury specialist,” aka the lawyer on the back of the phone book? It’s not warming up anytime soon, so your advice would be greatly appreciated.

– Slipping Sal

Dear SS,

I have three words for you: Ron F*#king Bell.

– The Diver

Dear Diver,

I have an acquaintance (i.e. friend of a friend) who does some after-hours cleaning for my business. The trouble is that this acquaintance (we’ll call her Sheila) claims she’s cleaning regularly and continues to bill us for it, but we’re not so sure. I’m
thinking about calling “bullshit” but could use some advice on tactics. I’m sick of the scam, please help.

– Don in Durango

Dear DD,

I, too, have an acquaintance (read: wife) who did some work on my website, www.davidthibodeau.com. This wife (we’ll call her Julia) also claims to be continuing to do “work” not only on my site, but around the house! Now that I’m thinking about it, how could she even have time to do my website between her job, the baby and all the cooking?!!#. Anyhow, in lieu of invoicing me she just takes my paycheck—a similar scam nonetheless. My advice is, keep your mouth shut and pay the invoice, otherwise it’s sleeping on the couch and no more poker night!

– The Diver