Dear Diver,

Hey, why do all the cowboys in the Dodge pickups whip through town in such noisy fashion? They think the truck sounds good, but when they really step on it, it sounds more like a sheep they’re “helping over the fence” as it were. What’s up with that?

– Signed, What happens in the barn stays in the barn

Yea baby,

Light the fires and burn the tires, it’s all just childs playin’ in the hay. But let’s face it. I don’t think that’s really what you’re asking. You need help, and I am here for you. You can trust me. Does it bring up feeling of remorse? Does it offend you or bring out the hell fury locked inside that feeble mind that just begs to unleash itself upon this great tradition that originated in the ’60s and was perfected in the ’80s called “cruising chicks ?” Wait, I see what’s going on here. Tell ya what, I’ll pick ya up around 8 o’clock in my 6.6 T-top Pontiac Firebird, and don’t worry I have Ratt, Docken and Whitesnake. That’ll make it all better.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

My husband likes mayo (Best Foods to be exact) and I’m a Dijon mustard girl. Are we doomed?

– Caught between the slices

Ms. Caught between the slices,

Odds are, if you’re married and living in Durango YOU ARE DOOMED, but there is hope. The best advice I am licensed to give (and yes, I am licensed) is, it sounds like there is more to the story. It sounds as if you have been caught between the sheets, or “the slices,” as you put it. Maybe not physically caught, but feeling guilty about an extra salami sandwich? Not sure you’re happy with the current sandwich at hand, good luck with your decision.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

I’m a failure. I’ve tried all winter to be a ski bum, and I just can’t seem to cut it. I work about 20 hours a week, have couch surfed, lived in a motel, even spent a couple weeks outside in my tent. But I still can’t make ends meet and live the all-Coloradoan dream. Please help. The powder’s good, but the stomach is empty.

– Doug via an internet café

Dear God Man,

OK, first just stop and listen. You are the reason Dr. Phil is famous, so far you have done everything backwards. 1) You work way, way too much. 2) Don’t hang out in coffee shops, get a job there and eat all the owners profits (odds are he or she is skiing anyway.) 3) Don’t turn the open signs on. This will create fewer customers and gives you more time to eat. 4) The owner’s daughter, does she have a boyfriend? I think you get the picture by now.

– Good luck little buddy, Diver