Dear Diver,

After 10 years, I’m getting a little tired of playing Santa Claus every December. What’s the best way to break the bad news to my 11-year-old that the jolly old elf is only a figment of his imagination? Please go easy. I’m tired of playing St. Nick but don’t want to pay for therapy, either.

– Alf, Hermosa

Dear St. Scrooge,

How do I put this gently to you...Suck it up and put on the Santa suit. What you don’t know is that by contributing to your child’s innocence and playing along, you are actually fulfilling your Karmic duties and awaiting the favor. Do I need to remind you that there really are such things, Virginia, as nursing homes? It is in your best interest to watch out for your child’s ability to evade reality for a little longer. After all, you can only hope it’s the mean kids at school that burst the bubble of Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, so the therapy you will pay for is mostly their fault.

– Delusional in Grandeur 

PS: If you really can’t muster up the spirit, get a bottle of whiskey and find a Rent-A-Santa. Either way, the kids are happy and therefore the Mrs. is happy, and we all know where that leads... Ho, Ho, Ho 

Dear Diver,

What’s up with theTelegraph staff going on vacation next week? Where will I get my free weekly news feed now that the Telly’s going south for Christmas? What can we do to make the paper stick around for the holidays next year?

– Harold in Durango

Dear Herald,

Are you sure you aren’t a jealous staff member from another local daily publication that maybe has to work when you should be spending time with loved ones? My advice to you is to take some time off, spend time enjoying your family and friends, and sip on some spiked eggnog. ‘Tis the season. What’s the worst that could happen? If you lose your job, you could always sign up for that government bail-out check program.

– Sincerely Wishing You and Yours

Dear Diver,

How can I tackle and eliminate the holiday bulge? The options seem endless – Nia, Pilates, Hikercise, Pole Dancing, Suddenly Slender body wraps, etc. Please advise. I’d like a relatively easy way to shed the eggnog around my waist and slim down enough to squeeze into my Cleopatra skirt for Snowdown.

– X. Panding, via e-mail

Dear X,

Got an extra inch?

Follow this program and we can fix it in a cinch ... Mondays – let’s start with a Noon-er with Nia. Tuesday it’s Cardio, and no Sopapilla. Wednesday, it’s Heels while you Spin around a Pole. Thursday, it’s Belly Dancing class to undulate that Roll. Friday, I am afraid you must Downward Dog, so that in Saturday’s Spin class, you won’t get dusted in a fog ... Sunday, sleep in but run for a mile, and this Holiday season it’s OK to eat a pile!

– Bustin’ outta’ my Rhymes