Diver:Andrew from the Wagon Wheel Liquor Emporium

Interesting facts:Andrew is, pound for pound, probably much faster than Michael Phelps at swim-racing.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

What’s the real reason that wealthy, white people hang dream catchers from their rear view mirrors? I know it’s not a fashion statement and there can’t be any function to the trinkets. What’s really going on? Is it possible that some kind of a cult is at work here?

– Mr. Ree

Dear Mr. Ree,

Probably not a cult. More likely just a very robust market for crap here in America. Clearly the people you see all the time have far more money than they actually need. And besides, any dream worth catching will probably come back to you even if you do not have a doo-hickey. As for your assertion that these people are “wealthy” and “white,” I can’t imagine what else they would be here in Durango. I don’t know if you have seen what it costs to buy a home here, but it would seem that we are coming to a time where everyone will have to prove independent wealth before they can be considered for residency. But alas, your categorization is still a stereotype and somewhat derogatory. Pointing fingers at “those crazy rich white people and their desire to hang on to their dreams,” seems a lot to me like saying (and I quote) “That all teen-agers are drunken dope addicts and glue sniffers.” No matter how true it may be, it still smarts.

–Your Lower-middle class, but still dreaming, Diver

P.S. Have you considered paying attention to the road while you are driving instead of trinkets in other people’s cars?

Dear Diver,

A friend of mine keeps trying to convince me that oil companies and gas stations aren’t making out like lords. “High gas prices hurt them as much as us,” he tells me in sneaky tones. He even claims they’re operating on slimmer profit margins than most Durango businesses. I say B.S. What say you, noble Diver?

–Wes in Durango

Dear (Hopefully not) Wes-ting time,

Prithee, I speak thusly on the subject: (are you still glad you called me “noble Diver?”) Anyhooo ... is your friend some sort of big-wheel in the oil industry? Because that is the only reason you should be listening to him. However, if he is, that is also a good reason not to listen to him, Yossarian. The long and the short of it, in my opinion, is this: Anyone who has been paying attention to the news lately knows that the major oil companies have been posting record profits. And that is record profit, not income; money going into their pockets above and beyond what it takes to continue running the business. Which means that those companies are pretty much just putting the screws to John/Jane Q. Public. As for the local gas peddlers (no pun intended) it would seem a bit trickier. They have to buy the gas they sell from these companies who are clearly raking it in, and they still have to make a living. So, as far as “making out like lords”... the oil companies seem to be, while the gas stations may not be. However, as soon as Durango gets a mono-rail, just like Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook, we won’t be so worried about the price of petrol, and we’ll be on the map too.


Dear Diver,

With current fashions reverting to the styles early to mid-1980s, I’m thinking about bailing out on everything and going totally counter-flow. What do you think about a wardrobe populated mainly by Durango and Four Corners T-shirts? So queer, it’s cool, right? Do you have favorites or catchy slogans I should be on the look-out for?

–Beefy T.

Mmmm, beefy!

I am not completely sure I know what you are talking about. Are there a bunch of people running around in business suits with matching tie and suspender sets and little dabs of white powder on/around their noses? Like, do you remember when Alex got addicted to diet pills because he had to take a test? And Mallory was dating Nick, and Nick is all “Hey, yo.” That was classic. I don’t remember that coming back though. I don’t get out much anymore. I can, however, lead you in the right direction for some slogans to be on the look-out for if you want your chest to really say something and prove your local cred. Things like, “Utah is, under no circumstances whatsoever, for lovers.” Or, “Our steam-driven scenic railway is better than yours.” Or even, “Snowboarding is for the Prols.” I haven’t made any of these shirts yet, but if you see them be sure to buy one. I need some scratch to buy more dream-catchers.

–XOXO, The Diver

In this week's issue...

January 25, 2024
Bagging it

State plastic bag ban is in full effect, but enforcement varies

January 26, 2024
Paper chase

The Sneer is back – and no we’re not talking about Billy Idol’s comeback tour.

January 11, 2024
High and dry

New state climate report projects continued warming, declining streamflows