Dear Diver,

I am a patient man, and, despite my red hair, I am a laid-back man, as well. I know I’m not alone in my daily commute to and from town via bicycle, so I think it’s safe to say that I’m not the only disgruntled two-wheeler on the river trail. Where is the *($%ing etiquette? Tourists insist on walking in packs trail-wide, and then they just stare at you as you approach, don’t move and simply continue their conversations. And, people, can’t we look both ways when we cross the trail? And, Durango, how about some lights on the trail? I almost died the other night before Smelter because of a head-on-head collision with a 300-pounder. Diver, are we or aren’t we a biking community? Please help me.

– I.R. Pissed

Dear I.R. Pissed,

As a fellow disgruntled zeeber of two wheels, I also don’t appreciate riding down Main with the stress of opening car doors and F350 right side mirrors. Having to be satisfied with the bike trail, there isn’t much we can do about tourists, not everyone can be perfect, but maybe you should donate your bike to the next 300-pounder you see, they could probably use it. As for Dorothy, scarecrow, tin man and lion, walkin’ down the trail arm in arm: I’d pick the most cowardly of the bunch and b-line it straight for ‘em. Get a gnarly look going, and make eye contact. If you’re coming from behind, you’ll have to get their attention by yelling something like, “get to the chopper” in your best Austrian-American.

If you get crazy enough, chances are you’ll have the whole path to yourself. Keep the wind in that red hair and the fun between your legs.

– Get a head lamp, Diver

Dear Diver,

Why is everybody yelling at me? Let’s just say I work in the service industry and many of the regulars have been on edge lately. After even a little slip-up or delay, I get the riot act. What’s the deal with Durango right now, and what’s the best way to defuse restaurant rage?

– Sally the server

Dear Sally,

Being a diver and all, I don’t have much contact with wine and dine types; I just wash the dishes and deal with scrambling cooks. But every-time I’ve come into contact with an especially livid cook, it’s because he hasn’t had his shift beer yet. Usually when he gets it he calms down and lets his anger out with a few good towel whips. So my advice to you is to make sure the booze is on time, and everything else will be smooth sailing. If they are especially disgruntled, maybe slip them a sharper knife and they can take it out on their 14 oz. prime rib. Be sure to notify the dishwasher of the discrepancy, you can rely on him if things turn south, divers have a tendency to stockpile much larger and sharper knives.

– Stay positive, Diver

Dear Diver,

What’s up with the new Boating Under the Influence law? Can you really get busted for rowing a raft while intoxicated? Does anyone in Denver really believe that river traffic on the Animas will sober up because of such a random proclamation? How are the boys in blue even planning to enforce such an arbitrary law? Please help quickly. I have a date with a piece of rubber and a 30-pack this weekend.

– Swirling downstream

Dear Swirling Downstream

I doubt we’ll see much action from the 5-0, if I start to see some kayaks with sirens I might have mixed feelings. I’d be willing to bet this maddening law was instilled because of idiot, trustafarian, frat-daddy Boulderites getting hurt too often on a creek of all things. Keep your booze on the DL at the beach, I’m pretty sure that’s the only place you can get bagged. I hope you get lucky on that date, I’m sure you’ll have some great looking kids, but only if that 30 is PBR.

– Diver