Diver: Richard Carpenter from UltraSteam

Interesting facts:When not cleaning up Durango, Richard enjoys making the acquaintance of strange new bugs and roads less traveled on his motorcycle.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

Am I stuck in a time warp or is the Mohawk coming back in style? They seem to be all the rage in Durango these days. I’m all for expressing one’s individuality, but is sporting the same ’do that was popular more than 30 years ago (in addition to a brand spankin’ new Misfits T-shirt) all that original? Or could it be that the Mohawk is only now reaching remote BFE Durango for its first go-around? If so, the mullet should only be a few short years away.

– Hair police

Dear High and Uptight,

All hail the ‘hawk! Just because it got off to its scruffy start 30 years ago doesn’t make it outdated ... any more than Billy Idol’s short suave look is, anyway (he totally stole it from me.) I’m guessing you may feel slightly threatened by the strange (to you). I suggest you download some great classic punk, rock out for a week or two, then find someone with a Mohawk and strike up a conversation. If they are wearing a Misfits shirt, say “So, how ’bout that London Dungeon?” Or you could be genuine, offer to buy them a drink, and try looking beyond the hair and getting to know the anarchist/skater/musician/entrepreneur/artist/human within.

– Flash as hell, Diver

Dear Diver,

Help! I feel like my life has become a movie! And a scary one at that. I have a new roommate, I’ll call her “Nancy.” Anyway, ever since Nancy moved in, she’s been borrowing my clothes, eating my food, hanging out when my friends come over and tagging along with whatever we do. She even went and got her hair cut just like mine. I mean, she’s ok, I guess, but get a life. The other day, I came home and she was wearing my new jeans, listening to my tunes and getting ready to go out with my friends. I think I need to intervene before I come home and find my cat cooking in a pot on the stove. Please advise on how to defuse this situation, gracefully, before it blows up.

-Single White Female

Dear SWF,

Your best defense is a good offense. The eating of food is easily remedied by merely spiking “your” food with Ex-Lax. Then take her favorite “your” jeans and sprinkle a bit of itching powder inside, leaving them “out by accident”...then mention, as she’s scratching, the questionable hook-up you had in those pants last week with one of the friends she was out with the other night. That should kill two birds with one stone. Or, you could try going for the unannounced kiss, followed by “I so love myself ... and now I can finally know what it would be to physically love me, cause you’re so me!” Otherwise you’re basically back to a cup of coffee and a gentle, “We need to talk ... .” Either way, I suggest boarding the cat at a safehouse until you’re sure all is copacetic on the homefront.

– Pet the kitty, Diver

Dear Diver,

My 1-year-old nephew is wearing clothes for a child three times his age. I am worried that my younger brother (the father) is stuffing this child like a Thanksgiving turkey and setting him up for a lifetime of obesity, cruel fat jokes and being the last kid picked for kick ball in grade school. I don’t want to seem like a meddling aunt, but is there such a thing as a baby intervention?

-Big Mac’s Auntie

Dear Mac’in Auntie,

Hello, baby fat? Now, I have a cat that barely fits its fur, so I know too well the heartache of obesity. Still, due to my distinct lack of firsthand baby knowledge, I’ll suggest a physician’s opinion (at 1 year he may just be headed for “husky”) and perhaps some “good example-setting” on your part, which should include lots of fresh veggies, fruit and playground time. Get the kid hooked on the good life early and it’ll be harder to deviate later on. I’d include a session with the clippers, a jar of Manic Panic and some hair gel, just to make sure he fits in with the cool crowd.

– Stay punk in the trunk, don’t eat junk, Diver

In this week's issue...

January 25, 2024
Bagging it

State plastic bag ban is in full effect, but enforcement varies

January 26, 2024
Paper chase

The Sneer is back – and no we’re not talking about Billy Idol’s comeback tour.

January 11, 2024
High and dry

New state climate report projects continued warming, declining streamflows