Dear Diver,

What’s really going on at Scoot ‘n Blues? I saw the two stories and the claims that “big name” entertainment and new management is on the horizon. All I know is that they owe a bunch of my friends dough and haven’t had the “mess of fried clams” on the menu in months. What’s up?

– Danny Boy

Dear Danny Boy,

How truly poignant your name is. You see, Scoot ’n Blues has been masquerading as this run-of-the-mill biker/karaoke/cougar hunting ground/burger joint/Irish/blues bar. And I must say that I was completely fooled at first. I mean, it was such a concise image they had. However, “Danny Boy,” the pipes, the pipes are playing, because the whole joint is a front for the Irish Mob. Your friends are lucky that all they lost were a few “clams.” They could have had their “Mahone Pogued,” and we all know how painful that can be. I know it’s totally depressing, but don’t worry, you can still pick up Milfs at Joels. As you slide down the banister of life may the splinters never point the wrong way,

– Diver

Dear Diver,

Who’s the marketing genius responsible for bringing us the “Fall for Downtown Durango,” “Holidazzle” and “Spring it On” shopping promotions. I’m all for promoting downtown, but these hyped shopping mall slogans are degrading to our town.

-Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Marketing genius is absolutely correct!! First and foremost, you have to change your point of view, don’t think shopping mall and don’t even think “hip,” but rather, “hip hop.” That’s right, my little marketing neophyte. I think you know where this is going. It was snoop d-o-double g, and of course Uncle Bootsy. I know you have let them funk you in your ear-hole, who hasn’t? Uncle Bootsy (formerly of the P-Funk All Stars) said why be satisfied with hip, when you can funk it up, actually it was funk, funk, funk it up. He said let’s tear the roof off the mother sucker. Snoop said “yo G, I’m steppin’ in the hooptie goin’ to d-town for some holidazzle my nizzle,” and that was it, it pretty much stuck after that. Maybe now you will realize how hip hop this town actually is, and will stop asking stupid funking questions.

–In funk we thrust, Diver

Dear Diver,

It seems like every few weeks there’s another news story on the web and in papers about the world’s oldest person celebrating a birthday. My question is, how many world’s oldest people are out there? The numbers are also across the board. I’ve seen 110- year-old women and 112-year-old men all prominently featured. What’s going on here? Who is really the world’s oldest?

– Just over the hill in Durango

Dear just over the hill,

I’m pretty sure the answer is Bob Hope. I’m kidding (kind of). To literally answer your question as it was phrased, we are all the oldest person out there man. I’m the oldest diver this week; you are the oldest person asking poorly phrased questions that require some sort of subjective reasoning to decipher the true meaning of what you are feebly attempting to get at, etc… . As luck would have it, I know what you’re saying, I think everyone does. As clearly evidenced in your first question, it is necessary to be precise when asking a question, like “what’s going on here,” or “who is the world’s oldest.” For example the world’s oldest nincompoop is clearly George Bush. That being said, the oldest currently living person is Edna Parker of Indiana who is 114 years, 160 days old as of 27 September. Please note that the oldest currently living man does not even make the top 10 oldest living people. The oldest currently living man is Tomoji Tanabe of Miyazaki, Japan, at somewhere between 111 and 113 years old. Which brings us to another point; since Tomoji’s birthdate cannot be confirmed, the undisputed oldest living male would now be Henry Allingham of England who is also the oldest World War I veteran at 111 years, 113 days as of 27 September. Now, the oldest documented and fully validated super-centenarian ever was Jean Calment who lived to 122 years 164 days. But, she’s no longer currently living, and she was French, so, was she really a person? Maybe, not anymore though, she’s dead. Now, each country also tracks its own oldest patriots as well as oldest emigrants. For example the oldest Danish person Christian Mortensen is actually an American. And the oldest Bulgarian, Grzegorz Gorzinski is actually a Pollock who became disoriented after a visit to the sausage factory. See how easy this is. So, to sum up, the answer is Bob Hope.

- Diver