Dear Diver,

I just read about a 10-year study that said that women who don’t speak up during marital spats have a higher rate of premature death. Holy &%#&! All these years I thought I was being diplomatic and defusing an ugly situation. What new approach should I take when the words fly?

-Still Married in Mancos

Dear Mancos Mary,

I think it is interesting that the study did not mention the death rates for the spouses of the women who do not speak up. Because as we all know, it’s the quiet ones you have to be careful of. I’ll bet dollars to doughnuts that the spouses of these women have a much higher rate of being found accidentally run over in the driveway. At any rate, the key to a happy marriage is to keep it fresh. That’s why I get married every couple of years or so. You don’t want to get worn out or bogged down.

-The Diver

Dear Diver,

This may sound corny, but where’s the best place to look at the changing aspens. None of the local publications seem eager to reveal the best spots. Dearest Diver, will you please share the secret?

-Vista Val, via e-mail

Val,

I don’t think that your question is corny at all. It is very valid to want to take in all of nature’s majesty at this time of year. I have heard of some lovely places that I’d be glad to share with you. It is my understanding that in and around Hanover, N.H., the fall colors are to die for. It has also been brought to my attention that, if the timing is right, you can find autumnal heaven in the North Woods of Wisconsin, up by da U.P. As far as the stinginess of the “local publications,” I would be inclined to ward you off of believing everything you read.

-Da Diver

Dear Diver,

I’m going to come right out and say it, “Poor Britney.” Why is the American public crucifying Britney Spears? Sure, she made a boatload of dough and has taken numerous missteps, but Michael Jackson, Boy George and Whitney Houston all got off easy by comparison. What’s the big deal?

– Not the guy on YouTube

Dear Sir or Madame-

If we are coming right out and saying things, I’m going to ask why you would put your own words in quotations? Are you the kind of “guy/gal” who uses “air quotes” around seemingly insignificant or random “words and phrases?” If so, there are places you can get help. Secondly, what is your deal with backing B.S? Celebrity is rarely something that is thrust upon you, if you make the choice to shove your sloppy life into the public eye, you had better be ready for some scrutiny. I have no sympathy for her. If she wanted to have all her foibles without the public’s mockery she should have become a beet farmer. Lastly, Boy George? Really?

-Deputy Diver, Durango Social Police