Freedom falafel

by Ari LeVaux

Falafel, those fried little balls of spiced chickpea paste, just might have a secret. Top Secret that is. As I heard Amy Goodman explain it in the Nov. 8 installment of NPR’s “Democracy Now,” the FBI has recently taken a particular interest in that Middle Eastern delicacy as a first line of defense against Iranian spies.

“Congressional Quarterly is reporting that the FBI sifted through customer data collected by San Francisco area grocery stores in 2005 and 2006, hoping that sales records of Middle Eastern foods would lead to Iranian secret agents. The idea is that a spike in, say, falafel sales combined with other data, would lead to Iranian agents in the region. The program was the brainchild of top FBI counterterrorism officials Phil Mudd and Willie Hulon. The data-mining operation was eventually stopped after FBI officials determined it was possibly illegal to place someone on a terrorist list because of what they ate.”

Legal concerns aside, I imagine this sting was complicated by the popularity of falafel in countries other than Iran – Israel, for example. In fact, as Middle Eastern countries go, Iran is hardly a falafel hotspot. Chickpeas, meanwhile, the raw material, are grown in such far flung places as Ethiopia, the Indian Subcontinent, the Mediterranean, Mexico, Chile, Northern Africa, and Afghanistan, as well as Iran. And while they might not be the ultimate diagnostic tool against terrorism, chickpeas are known to have a very low glycemic index, which makes them a great blood stabilizer for diabetics. And diabetes kills more Americans than terrorists do.

Indeed, there is a strong symbiosis between food security and national security. Consider my friend Don Bustos, an organic farmer in northern New Mexico. Bustos sells food to, among other buyers, the Española, N.M., school lunch program. The food is purchased with funds he helped the Española public schools raise from the Department of Defense.

That’s right, Don Bustos helped the local schools get a grant from the Department of Defense to put local food in the mouths of school kids. He says the selling point of the grant was that local foods, which tend to be fresher and have more vitamins when they’re eaten, will help us raise stronger little soldiers.

Well, if stronger kids are what we’re after, then we definitely need more chickpeas. They’re been linked by scholars to Venus, the goddess of love, and they supposedly increase sperm count in men and breast milk production in women. More sperm means more babies. And more milk makes more strong babies. More chickpeas, more strong American babies.

Just as diet can impact homeland security, it can shed light on true homeland loyalties – just not in the way the FBI so bumblingly thought. Those who choose food grown overseas, snuffing American farmers, are selling out.

If I were an FBI agent, I’d make a list of all those commies who shop at the Peoples Republic of Wal-Mart. Not only are they hurting America’s farmers, they are increasing America’s dependence on the foreign oil required to ship that food here. And if they would sell out over a bulb of Chinese garlic, what makes you think they wouldn’t sell Top Secret information to enemy spies, if the price were right?

Well, speaking of covert action, we’re now celebrating Thanksgiving. While the Thanksgiving myth celebrates the relationship between community and harvest, the actual event may have been more a case of keeping your friends close and your enemies closer. Still, it’s a good story, about people setting aside their differences to celebrate the common goal of producing enough food to make it through the winter. What could be more American than making it through the winter?

Maybe Thanksgiving is the new 4th of July.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, maybe you’ve heard of that most American of inventions, the Tofurky, a soy-based food product designed to serve as the protein-based centerpiece of a holiday meal. I’ve heard cynics call it something for vegetarians who want to pretend they’re eating turkey. But hey, where else but America do you have vegetarians pretending to eat meat at Thanksgiving? That makes it American.

The Tofurky is extra-patriotic because it’s made with soybeans, one of America’s biggest cash crops. But I’m starting to wonder if we should be making our fake turkeys from chickpeas instead of soy. In addition to potentially boosting sperm and milk production and stabilizing the blood sugar of America’s diabetics, chickpeas have almost three times the protein of soy. More protein means more muscle, and more muscular vegetarians.

So that’s why I’m working on a chickpea-based recipe for fake turkey, which I hope to have ready in time for the holidays. With one of my “Afel Turkeys” on your table, your guests – including any FBI informants – will surely know that you are not a terrorist. And your vegetarian friends, while getting a square meal, will be full of sperm and milk. •