Dear Diver,

So check this out. I’m sitting in a crowded movie theater happily watching the latest installment of “Saw,” when the guy right behind me breaks wind. We’re talking crowded theater here. Next thing I know, one of his feet is up on my arm rest and the other is on the back of my chair. I give him the stink eye, and it turns out I met the dude a year ago. The truth is, I broke under pressure and cowardly turned back around. My question is – what should I have done or what should I do next time?

– Daniel in Durango

Oh poor Daniel in Durango,

A wise man once told me that everybody poops, and the man who was sitting behind you is no different. He just let out a bit of an airy poop, if you know what I mean. So good for him for feeling comfortable enough to do that, you know. As for the leg on your seat, I say, have a nice game of odd or even, everybody loves that, and if they don’t, they probably think their poop don’t stink. I figure if you knew the guy, it would be OK to say “HEY, listen buddy, stop farting real loud and disrupting my movie, even though I already know what’s gonna happen because it’s ‘SAW,’ everybody is gonna get sawed, hence the name.” That way you make everybody laugh, and the dude might even get a little bit embarrASSED and think twice before farting all up in your business, you dig. You gotta just stand right up and tell people to stop farting on you and messing up the movie, a.k.a. life. That’s a pretty good story though, keep ’em coming.

– Peace & Love my fart-concerned amigo,

Diver

Dear Diver,

My parents refuse to recycle. Everything just goes straight into

the trash like some magic garbage genie comes and takes care of it all. What should I do to rouse them from their Cold War slumber?

– Cracklin’ Rosie

Me dearest Craklin’ Rose,

First of all, let’s not kid ourselves, recycling is a good thing, but at this point, it is the least of our worries. We have huge power plants like Desert Rock being built, and strip mines like Black Mesa, which are potentially polluting an entire water source and then using what little water the Southwest has to slurry it off to some power plant. If we want to be environmental, let’s try and fix problems such as water usage or strip mining. Let’s think a little bigger than recycling a bottle, when soon there will be no liquid to put inside that bottle. Now let’s address your parents’ issues of Cold War slumber. I find that hunger strikes are effective. Or you could take the initiative and begin recycling for them. Go out and buy tubs and place them where the garbage used to be. Or you could have a one-woman sit-in. Figure out whatever it is that your parents love doing and make sure that you get in the way of it until they recycle. Give those parents of yours a swift kick in the rump, but do it respectfully. They are your parents, after all.

– Peace & love my environmental friend,

Diver

Dear Diver,

I keep reading and hearing all kinds of predictions for the coming winter. Some say it’ll never dump; some say the dump will never end; some say my girlfriend is going to dump me. What does the man/woman behind Durango’s clean dishes see in our future? What does the Diver see in the crystal ball for 2007-08?

– Beyond Curious

Señor Curious,

What lofty expectations you have. Sure I got a crystal ball, but do you real

ly expect one lone baristo to predict all of 2007-08? I just don’t know if I’m ready for this type of responsibility. But since you are so interested in BIG DUMPS, I will let you know what my crystal ball has told me. I see good things. I see the cost of living in Durango dropping, I see myself getting a raise, I see a joint concert of Kings of Leon and Blue Scholars going down in Durango, and unfortunately, your girl is breaking up with you. Sorry to break the news. I also see slopes covered in white, powder everywhere, magic white engulfing entire landscapes … sorry the movie “Blow” is on, my bad. As for snow, my crystal ball has informed me that we will get enough to get us through the long Durango summer successfully. I assume that you only ask because you want to hit the slopes. Dang man, stop being so selfish. We need snow for more than just skiing (but I will totally see you on the slopes, man.) If your fun is dependant of snow, you should probably move to Siberia because I hear they have some kick-ass winters. And they have the only fresh water seals in the world, I know because I watched some special on it the other day. So just think, you, the seals and more snow than you could shake a stick at…but good luck finding one. I hear there aren’t a lot of trees in Siberia, let us know.

– Peace & Love my dump-oriented friend,

Diver

Diver: Ian R. Twiss from Durango Joe’s

Interesting facts:Ian is Durango’s first half-Lakota baristo

Dear Diver,

So check this out. I’m sitting in a crowded movie theater happily watching the latest installment of “Saw,” when the guy right behind me breaks wind. We’re talking crowded theater here. Next thing I know, one of his feet is up on my arm rest and the other is on the back of my chair. I give him the stink eye, and it turns out I met the dude a year ago. The truth is, I broke under pressure and cowardly turned back around. My question is – what should I have done or what should I do next time?

– Daniel in Durango

Oh poor Daniel in Durango,

A wise man once told me that everybody poops, and the man who was sitting behind you is no different. He just let out a bit of an airy poop, if you know what I mean. So good for him for feeling comfortable enough to do that, you know. As for the leg on your seat, I say, have a nice game of odd or even, everybody loves that, and if they don’t, they probably think their poop don’t stink. I figure if you knew the guy, it would be OK to say “HEY, listen buddy, stop farting real loud and disrupting my movie, even though I already know what’s gonna happen because it’s ‘SAW,’ everybody is gonna get sawed, hence the name.” That way you make everybody laugh, and the dude might even get a little bit embarrASSED and think twice before farting all up in your business, you dig. You gotta just stand right up and tell people to stop farting on you and messing up the movie, a.k.a. life. That’s a pretty good story though, keep ’em coming.

– Peace & Love my fart-concerned amigo,

Diver

Dear Diver,

My parents refuse to recycle. Everything just goes straight into the trash like some magic garbage genie comes and takes care of it all. What should I do to rouse them from their Cold War slumber?

– Cracklin’ Rosie

Me dearest Craklin’ Rose,

First of all, let’s not kid ourselves, recycling is a good thing, but at this point, it is the least of our worries. We have huge power plants like Desert Rock being built, and strip mines like Black Mesa, which are potentially polluting an entire water source and then using what little water the Southwest has to slurry it off to some power plant. If we want to be environmental, let’s try and fix problems such as water usage or strip mining. Let’s think a little bigger than recycling a bottle, when soon there will be no liquid to put inside that bottle. Now let’s address your parents’ issues of Cold War slumber. I find that hunger strikes are effective. Or you could take the initiative and begin recycling for them. Go out and buy tubs and place them where the garbage used to be. Or you could have a one-woman sit-in. Figure out whatever it is that your parents love doing and make sure that you get in the way of it until they recycle. Give those parents of yours a swift kick in the rump, but do it respectfully. They are your parents, after all.

– Peace & love my environmental friend,

Diver

Dear Diver,

I keep reading and hearing all kinds of predictions for the coming winter. Some say it’ll never dump; some say the dump will never end; some say my girlfriend is going to dump me. What does the man/woman behind Durango’s clean dishes see in our future? What does the Diver see in the crystal ball for 2007-08?

– Beyond Curious

Señor Curious,

What lofty expectations you have. Sure I got a crystal ball, but do you really expect one lone baristo to predict all of 2007-08? I just don’t know if I’m ready for this type of responsibility. But since you are so interested in BIG DUMPS, I will let you know what my crystal ball has told me. I see good things. I see the cost of living in Durango dropping, I see myself getting a raise, I see a joint concert of Kings of Leon and Blue Scholars going down in Durango, and unfortunately, your girl is breaking up with you. Sorry to break the news. I also see slopes covered in white, powder everywhere, magic white engulfing entire landscapes … sorry the movie “Blow” is on, my bad. As for snow, my crystal ball has informed me that we will get enough to get us through the long Durango summer successfully. I assume that you only ask because you want to hit the slopes. Dang man, stop being so selfish. We need snow for more than just skiing (but I will totally see you on the slopes, man.) If your fun is dependant of snow, you should probably move to Siberia because I hear they have some kick-ass winters. And they have the only fresh water seals in the world, I know because I watched some special on it the other day. So just think, you, the seals and more snow than you could shake a stick at…but good luck finding one. I hear there aren’t a lot of trees in Siberia, let us know.

– Peace & Love my dump-oriented friend,

Diver