Dear Diver,

We’ve always had family dogs and are big believers in getting them from the pound. Well, the other day, our 4-year-old son asked for a Chihuahua. I told him it might not be a great idea, and he immediately threatened to go over my head to the grandparents and Mr. Claus himself. The problem is, I’m not sure a rat-dog is the best thing for my little developing dude. What to do?

– Disturbed Dad

Dear Double-D,

We don’t know how to approach this delicate situation, but there seem to be two underlying issues: first, your son is watching too much “Entertainment Tonight” and has obviously taken on the Spears-Hilton-Lohan three-headed beast as a role model; and second, there seems to be some concern over the rigidity of your son’s wrist. Our prescription is this: you need to install an anti-aircraft battery in the back yard to deal with Mr. Claus, your son needs a mandatory watching of the Rambo Trilogy (back-to-back-to-back), and a trip to the pound for a “slightly used” pit bull from Farmington for the family is in order. If that’s not all that is man we don’t know what is. As far as the grandparents go, they’re probably old so hope for a funeral on Christmas day. If this fails you can always feed the Chihuahua to the pit bull when he’s at school.

– Divers Against Stupid Accessory Dogs (DASAD)

Dear Diver,

One of my friends started growing a shady-looking mustache and goatee the other day. It’s not filling in very well and I’m afraid it might derail his attempts to get a podium spot in the “late night Olympics.” How do I break the news to him that it might be time to sharpen up the razor?

– Clean shaven county resident

Dear Sharp as a Sheep Sheer,

If your friend is dumb enough to walk around with a pedder-stache and beard, he does not deserve to be saved from his ignorance. Plus if he is walking around the bar looking like a child stalker, then he will help make me look like a young and extremely drunk Tom Cruise. In the “late night Olympics” there are no country men, no team mates, only I and ME.

– Sick of the Bronze Driver

*Diver’s note: Dave had nothing to do with this one because he’s sick of all of you meatheads at the bar and now chooses to drink at home most of the time, and he has a girlfriend. IN YOUR FACE!

Dear Diver,

My postal delivery person keeps hitting on me. We chat every other day, and he’s a perfectly nice (and fairly attractive) younger man. But something just doesn’t seem right, and it occasionally feels like the opening scene in a slasher movie. Do you have any advice for a SWF who’s not getting any younger?

– Sunnyside Sue

Dear Sunnyside Up Sue,

It’s time to let Newman grab the spatula and flip that egg over easy. It’s paranoid broads like yourself that are giving all of us good, upstanding men in this town grey hair and alcoholism to deal with our feelings of inadequacy. The dude just wants a little play and it sounds like you haven’t been dusted off in a while, so what is the problem? As for the situation seeming like the opening of a slasher movie, we’ve done extensive research and there are in fact a lot more pornos that start like this than horror movies, so quit being a prude. If you can’t get laid here then give Denver a try where you stand even less of a chance because you actually have to compete.

– Divers who route for the mail man