Dear Diver,

Now that the Iron Horse is behind us, I’ve got a question about cyclist fashion. Why do riders wear brightly colored, skin-tight Lycra? Do those goofy suits really offer that much less wind resistance? Doesn’t a pink jersey on a man contradict the image of a macho, fit cyclist? Help me, I’m mystified.

– Baggy Betty, via e-mail

Dear Mystified,

Because they can … and they do. Quite simply, if you rode, you’d get it. It’s liberating to show the world the packages that riders so modestly cover up all day long from the wandering eyes of the general public. The bright colors help protect riders from the dangerous drivers who can’t seem to operate a vehicle without a cell phone attached to their ears.  Power to the People ... who cares what someone wears or what they look like? It is the fabric that lies inside that truly matters. It boils down to outcome over outfit.

– Sincerely, All wrapped up in Lycra

Dear Diver,

What’s up with the local work force? Everyone complains about the absence of “real jobs” around here and moans about low wages. But I can tell you a different story. For months, I’ve been advertising a “real job” with “real wages” and barely even got response to my classified. When I finally hired someone, he turned over after two weeks. What’s up with all the talk?

– Irritated in Downtown Durango

Dear Crabby Boss,

The work force is an indicator of our culture. Everyone wants a high-paying job, but no one wants responsibility. Therefore Durangotangs, in their infinite wisdom, have decided to work three low-paying jobs with no “real” responsibility, allowing them to ride or paddle any terrain they choose and feel no guilt when they leave their fellow irresponsible coworkers high and dry. What’s a real job anyway? Perhaps entertainment for your slaving workforce would increase interest in your “real” job opportunity. How about a pinball machine, frozen drink dispenser or a foosball table? The Ranch is always good fun and they have foosball. Try one of these incredible suggestions and get back to me. Zia has been awesome since we got our employee pinball machine. P.S. Immigrant labor will soon be a very viable option!

– Sincerely, Happy With My “Real” Jobs

Dear Diver,

Living downtown in Durango isn’t what it’s cracked up to me. Every evening, my college neighbors fire up profane speed metal for the entire hood to hear. It’s beyond annoying. We’ve considered fighting back with a little Barry Mannilow, but fear this is a battle we can’t win. Do you have any advice?

– Shawn of Fourth Ave.

Dear AARP Member,

Living next to death metal fans is much better than living next to serial killers. They could be roasting body parts or kidnapping local restaurant owners instead. If you can’t stand it, the housing market seems to be falling all over the country, so now would be a great time to sell (or preferably rent) your house here and then move. Be easy Shawn….some “hoods” have war and gunfire within their borders. Stop complaining and buy a PANTERA album. (I suggest “Far Beyond Driven” or “Cowboys From Hell”) RIP Dimebag!

– Regards, Your neighbor…