Dear Diver,

I’ve noticed there are all kinds of bottled waters on the market claiming to have special benefits. Is any of this stuff really worth the money? Am I really enhancing my health with this stuff or are companies just filling up bottles from the tap?

–Thirsty in Durango

Dearest Thirsty,

The answer you seek is YES. Shell out the big bucks for that top-of-the-line bottled water. It’s the hottest thing in style right now, and you certainly don’t want to end up like me. I can’t afford to drink bottled water, and I have no self-esteem, not to mention brittle bones and a weak mind. So if looking cool, living large and having a ripped bodymean anything to you, I suggest you learn from my example and fill your body with only the finest bottled water. I wish I could, but I have other things to worry about, like my lettuce freezing when the refrigerator gets turned up too high.

– Cheers, DiverB

Dear Diver,

What are the secrets of the busser’s buffet? I’ve heard tell that bussers and divers are actually the best fed workers in town thanks to the leftovers on plates. Who has the best busser’s buffet in town? Have you heard of anyone sending something other than food back with their empty plates?

–Don in Bayfield

Oh Don,

First of all, you are asking for some highly classified information here. While I’m not inclined to disclose certain “benefits” we bussers and divers receive, I will say that yes, the rumors you’ve heard are true. We eat very well – napkins always in lap. (We are also very good lip-synchers with the right crowd.) As for other tasty treats we sometimes find sent back with plates, I one time feasted on someone’s leftover stopwatch. But as far as the tastiest buffet in town, keep on dreaming because we’ll never tell. The secrets are to remain just that.

– Much Love, Dinner Diver

Dear Diver,

I’m an avid boater and spend at least three days a week and a lot of time upside down in the Whitewater Park. I’ve always been perplexed by the proximity of the Durango wastewater outlet to a heavily used recreation area. My question relates to the pipe leaving the building and pouring into the river. Are we being harmed by the seemingly clear liquid? Is it actually possible to fully treat sewage?

– Soaking Sam, Durango

Hi Sam,

Let me begin by easing your mind in saying that you can rest easy about untreated sewage. I was recently briefed by the Pentagon about this very matter and found it fascinating. I think you will too. By now, we’ve all heard of Splenda, right? And we’re all nervously awaiting the FDA’s next statement regarding its unexpected cancer-causing, weight-gaining, teeth-crumbling side effects. Well here’s a side effect you didn’t see coming: our beloved whitewater park. The water isn’t white because of “rapids,” no, that is the way it becomes when mixed with the leftover sugar after all the calorie-free sweetness is taken out. Lucky for us, it makes for a hell of good time. Corner Pocket: spawn of Splenda. So is this false comfort we find in mistaking our Splenda factory for a water treatment plant really such a bad thing? You tell me, Sam. My only hope is that you’re not as thirsty as that bottled water guy because this stuff will really pack on to your waistline. So I’m glad you asked …

– Diver MD, PhD, CEO, ABC