Dear Diver,    

I’m a fellow restaurant worker (a little higher on the totem pole but still in the service industry). My question is, what’s the best way for a professional waitron to start preparing for retirement. I’ve been socking away money for years. Do you have any advice on good places to put it?

– Cindy in Durango

Dear Cindy,    

First of all Cindy, if you think that “waitron” is a little higher on the totem pole then a diver, try washing your own darn dishes. Have you ever considered throwing US a tip every now and then, when all your flatware is sparkling and there is no lipstick on the coffee cups, huh? Or were you too busy socking away your money: Secondly, you should diversify your portfolio. Invest the majority of you savings in low-risk mutual funds and the rest in high- risk, high-return investments such as horse racing or high-stakes Texas hold ’em. Now get back to work, I think that table of foreign tourists at D2 needs another round of iced tea!

– Diver

Dear Diver,

Why is it that local radio stations play really bad cover songs? Should Bruce Hornsby really be covering “Comfortably Numb?” Is Richard Shindell really adding anything to “Born in the USA?” What’s going on here?

– Happy Durango Ipod Owner

Dear Happy Durango  Ipod Owner, 

From the beginning of time, musicians have “borrowed” or “lifted” other people’s material as a way to connect with their audience who may not be familiar with their own work. As far as the musical selections, those people who have invented your Ipod are the same people who have developed the technology that our local radio stations use to determine what songs are played when and how often. So smarty-pants, stop questioning the powers that be and go see if one our local street performers knows any Widespread Panic covers.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

Why are there suddenly so many street performers in Durango? I took a casual stroll up Main the other day and had to drop coins into three open guitar cases. The experience gave me serious Boulder flashbacks. Is Durango becoming busker central?

– All out of change

Dear Changeless in D-town,

This trend of street performers will continue to grow, as the void of live music venues increases. I think you and “Happy Durango Ipod Owner” can casually stroll Main together, listening to whatever flips your lid and be completely disconnected from the outside world. As for your serious Boulder flashbacks, I recommend professional therapy. Or maybe if you dig a little deeper into your pocket and leave more than coins in these performers’ guitar cases, they could afford to transplant back to Boulder.

– Diver