Diver: Erik from Homeslice Pizza

Facts:Erik turned down a desk at the Durango Tourism Office in exchange for diving duties at Homeslice

 

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

I know people are here on vacation and enjoying a nice, relaxing time in our Victorian burg. But why must they walk five deep on Main Avenue sidewalks? Not only do they take up all of the space, but they’re nearly impossible to get around. “Excuse me” doesn’t work. What to do?

– Darryl

Darryl

I assume that you mean five wide because if they were walking five deep you could probably just walk around them. This is truly a blessing in disguise; you just need to be creative. Start a loud conversation with your friend about how you have especially bad gas, yell some strange phrase from a favorite movie or TV show or try walking really close behind them until they sense you there and then tell them that you think they’re cute, that will get ’em moving. If they still walk blissfully unaware, enjoy the potential amusement you have to create.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

I have springtime allergies. What treatments do you recommend? I’ve tried everything – over-the-counter antihistamines, herbal supplements, even acupuncture – but nothing seems to work. What’s your secret recipe for dealing with the dust?

– Sneezy

Sneezy,

I got the perfect answer for this one. I am sure you have seen those ridiculously large shades that have become ever so popular, like, totally. Well you could become a fashion innovator and save millions of people from the suffering of allergies at the same time. Here is the deal … Take some of those huge shades and add a small gas mask nose thing to it and there you go. You could add some sparkles and some tiger stripes and maybe even get the department of Homeland Security to fund it (Cost-plus means big money) in case Canada sends anthrax our way.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

I’ve noticed that e-mail is kind of scary and a tool for cowards. Basically, people will tell you things, ask you questions and make allegations that they would never make in person or over the phone. Just the other day, I got punted out of my book club for not reading the books, but no one called or paid me a visit. They just sent a nasty e-mail. Please help.

– Jenny in Bayfield

Jenny,

This is a puzzling problem with how impersonal technology has made our lives. The best thing to do is to give them a little taste of their own actions. Perhaps their e-mail address finds itself subscribing to online survey companies or online dating services. That should get some people asking a lot of questions and telling them some strange things (how strange depends on the service subscribed to). Then their mail box will be so full that they will have to call you.

– Diver

In this week's issue...

January 25, 2024
Bagging it

State plastic bag ban is in full effect, but enforcement varies

January 26, 2024
Paper chase

The Sneer is back – and no we’re not talking about Billy Idol’s comeback tour.

January 11, 2024
High and dry

New state climate report projects continued warming, declining streamflows