Apophis-lypse now

First the good news. Scientists have now confirmed what I have long suspected – a diet high in chocolate is good for you, warding off hypertension and dementia and increasing blood flow to the brain.

Now for the bad news (aside from the fact that chocolate also increases the flow of fat to one’s thighs): All the chocolate in the world can’t save us from Apophis.

In case you didn’t know, Apophis is not a new strain of bird flu or cheesy boy band. It’s a potato-shaped asteroid the size of the Titanic hurtling toward the Earth at thousands of miles per hour. That’s right, mark your calendars for April 13, 2036, because that’s the day scientists say some lucky region of the Earth will be reduced to nothing more than a sizzling heap of hashbrowns, courtesy of the giant space spud.

Don’t feel bad if you were going about your life, worrying about what to plant in your garden and whether or not to wash your car, while the world was given a death sentence. See, living in Durango tends to have that effect on people. Not to say we’ve got our heads in the sand, or any other location, for that matter. It’s just that we tend not to concern ourselves too much with the goings-on of the outside world, which is really more a factor of geography than anything else. Let’s face it, when the nearest international airport is a four-hour drive (and in New Mexico at that) and by the time the big city papers arrive it’s already last week’s news, it’s sort of hard to keep up with the times. Not only are people here just finding out about Britney shaving her head, but most are asking, “Who’s Britney?”

I myself, a quasi-newsperson, just found out about the imminent armageddon on Sunday after talking with my mother. About once a week, I check in with her to get the update on what’s happening on “Grey’s Anatomy,” who got booted off “American Idol” (as well as an occasional sidebar on Taylor Hicks) and what sorts of catastrophes are lurking about in the great, wide civilized world, or in this case, universe.

Anyway, turns out that unlike several of her former theories – the one about getting worms from drinking warm pop comes to mind – this one actually checks out. And I’m not just talking about the headlines in the Weekly World News. We’re talking bonafide publications far more respectable than this one with real science reporters and graphics showing the gargantuan firebomb plastering the entire northern hemisphere into oblivion. While the projected path has yet to be determined, NASA astrophysicists (who will be referred to as “they” from here on out because you don’t want to read “astrophysicist” any more than I want to type “astrophysicist”) say it could hit with 80,000 times the force of Hiroshima, causing potential tsunamis that could give us all in Colorado beachfront property. Not that we would be able to enjoy it, what with the ensuing nuclear winter and all.

But before you go cashing in that 401k (all $150 of it), there is a footnote. Apparently, there’s a chance that Apophis, the wobbly and wishy washy mass of rock that it is, could miss us completely. In fact, they give it a one-in-47,000 chance of hitting the Earth.

OK, I know the odds of getting trapped in an elevator with Elvis are probably better. But here’s the clincher, there are something like 800 more projectile potatoes (excuse me, “Near Earth Objects,” or NEOs, as “they” call them) out there just waiting to blast us the way of the dinosaurs. Or at least those poor Siberians whose ears are still ringing from the last documented NEO catastrophe in 1908.

But, there is a silver lining to the giant dust cloud that would blot out the sun and plunge us into the next ice age or burning inferno, depending on who you ask. They think they can deflect the space spud by giving it a little friendly nudge out of harm’s way using a space ship. I know, it sound like something out of a comic book rather than a sci-fi thriller, or at least a Bruce Willis movie. But it’s true. See, while Bruce may have been on to something in the movie, it seems that blasting the asteroid to smithereens may look cool but in reality could come back and bite us in the butt when all the asteroid shrapnel makes the situation 100 times worse. Instead, they propose the so-called “Gravity Tractor” to meet the asteroid and assert its persuasive powers to move it either to the left or the right, depending on the country’s ruling party at the time. I kid you not – OK, maybe the last part, but the rest is true. And they say they can do it all for the relatively low price of $300 million – roughly the amount of money Bill Gates finds in his couch cushions every week.

So, I say, sharpen those pencils, straighten those pocket protectors and fire up those calculators boys, and get cracking. Because we’ve only got 29 years to go.

And what it Apophis ends up charting a different course all together? Well, at the very least, if left unchecked, it could wreak havoc with the Earth’s communication satellites. Think of all the cell phone conversations about what kind of salad greens to buy for dinner or text messages over pilates classes that would be cut short. Not to mention all those countless people who will be left wondering who the next American Idol is or when Britney will get out of rehab. Or think of all the chain e-mails you’ll miss out on or offers for cheap Viagra. And, god forbid, we Durangoans would miss out on our beloved Albuquerque newscasts.

On second thought, maybe one-in-47,000 odds aren’t so bad after all.

– Missy Votel