Diver:John Schaefer from Carver Brewing Co.

Facts:John may have spent a little bit too much time watching Headbanger’s Ball in elementary school


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

What’s the best frequency to tune your I-Pod to while driving around town? It’s driving me crazy. I can’t get a clear signal anywhere inside city limits and regularly have Christian rock beaming in over the old family favorites. Please help!

– Danny in Durango

Hey Danny,

Because people don’t know how to drive, and people drive like they are drunk at noon around here, you’re going to want to turn off that I-Pod and tune into the great public radio available in the Four Corners. It will mellow you out so you can tolerate others. Otherwise, plug in your earphones and tune it to straight “THRASH.” Listen to some Slayer, that way you won’t hear all the other people telling you how bad your driving is.  After all, you, too, live here. And don’t let the New Mexican drivers push you around on the road of life.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

Why does anyone really care about the balding of Britney Spears? There are real headlines with big consequences, but everyone’s obsessed with celebrity rehab and who fathered Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter. Is this the sign of the coming apocalypse? Wasn’t this the kind of trend that led up to the fall of the Roman Empire?

– DannieLynn’s Real Dad


Indeed, modern America is a lot like the fall of the Roman Empire. Maybe people are so bored with their own lives that they just like to point out other people’s mistakes and choices like they have the right to do so. They like to pretend they are more important than they really are. There really is no reason for people to get so over the top about rich folks’ lives. Keep your mouth shut and worry about yourself. The money is there, but the happiness is far from reach. But personally, I like chicks who are bald. “It’s hot!” like those kids say!

– Diver

Dear Diver,

Whether it’s riding, skiing or rec league hockey, why are the people who talk up their games the most often the worst athletes? The problem seems especially severe in ski towns where the boasting starts after a couple beers. Does anyone really care who dropped the biggest cliff, logged the most mileage or scored the most goals?

– Ricky, Durango

This one goes out to my friend Ricky,

Ricky, this town is about having a few brews and boasting – pushing the little guy around. People make the mistake when they try to prove themselves over the lamest stuff. They don’t get that nobody cares! People push each other everyday over their own desires and wishes. I hope slowly people are going to start opening their minds and believing in each other for who we choose to be. Just do your thing and listen to Slayer every day, and all day. Then you will reach supremacy of mind, body and spirit. But it starts with Slayer!!!!!

– Diver

In this week's issue...

January 25, 2024
Bagging it

State plastic bag ban is in full effect, but enforcement varies

January 26, 2024
Paper chase

The Sneer is back – and no we’re not talking about Billy Idol’s comeback tour.

January 11, 2024
High and dry

New state climate report projects continued warming, declining streamflows