Dear Diver,

Don’t tell my friends, but I’m itching to get out and tube the Animas. When does raft and kayak season end and tubing/pool toy season begin? Also, do you have any recommendations for refreshments and/or helpful tubing gear to make my float as pleasurable as possible?

– Lana via e-mail

Dear Rookie,

I really wanted to simply say “if you have to ask you will never know,” but then I realized that even I, the mighty Diver, had to ask once. So for the record, raft season does not end so that we small watercraft captains can float and drink in peace. Also, the raft companies won’t tell you when it is OK to saddle up a tube purchased from one of the many tire shops in town due to the fact that us tubers make them look bad because we do it for free. They have the nerve to charge gapers to do what we do, minus the booze and topless women. Get on the river as soon as you think you can handle it, and before the tire shops sell out of tubes. As for refreshments and gear you’re going to need more beer than you think you could possibly drink and a large machete. The beer must be cheap, like PBR or High Life. The machete is for stabbing the giant, blue raft that will pin you to the wall under the Main Street Bridge.

– Captain Diver

Dear Diver,

What’s up with tourists on Main Avenue? Are they really so blissed out by our little burg that they don’t know what’s happening around them? Every day I pass them walking at a snail’s pace, three or four abreast and completely oblivious to what’s going on around them. What are they on and how do I get my hands on some it?

– John, Animas City

Dear John,

I had to consult my partner in beer-selling, Adro, on this one. Between the two of us, we could not figure what the hell they’re smokin’ or where to get it, but they must have bales of it and we need to steal it. As for getting them out of the way, try this one: start telling whoever you’re walking next to about how you sat next to that guy who got quarantined up in Denver with TB on your flight back from your summer trip in Europe (or wherever the hell he flew in from). Go on and on about what a great guy he was and then suddenly sneeze on that pack of hot dogs that passes for the back of a neck in Texas. Say “Sorry, I haven’t been feeling right since I got off the plane. I think it might be the flu.” If that doesn’t get them out of the way, just light up a smoke and blow it in their Starbucks.

– Dr. Diver

PS: It’s over. I’m leaving you, John

Dear Diver,

Do you have any “don’t-miss” picks for the summer movie season? I’ve already seen “Pirates,” “Oceans” and “Spiderman,” and to be honest, I’ve come away disappointed. Help me salvage a little summer entertainment. What are your recommendations for blockbusters in the coming months?

– Misty, Durango

Dear Misty-Eyed-Moviegoer,

I’ve got two picks on my list, and I’m not telling the likes of you or the rest of Durango what they are, because I want a seat at the theatre when I finally get a damn day off to go check them out! But yeah, I do know the anguish you are going through. Blockbuster movies, for the most part, suck and have sucked since the death of the late ’80s to early ’90s action flicks (thanks a lot, computer animation!). Instead of blowing $8 a whack to see some over-produced, over-hyped, over-budget blockbuster that will leave you feeling flat, start investing in porno! Not only will watching more porn leave you with a sense of self-satisfaction, you might learn a thing or two so when you finally get out of the theatre and into a bar you and your one-night-stand will both have a good time. Hell, you might even get a call back for round two for once. I threw out your number on purpose.

– M*** Diver