Diver: Analise from El Patio

Interesting facts: Analise recently completed the first scientific study of the effects of bike shorts on the male anatomy


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver

So, if I were an outsider looking at all the new construction in Durango, I’d have to guess that we’re limited to only two architects. Either it’s all cookie-cutter identical condos or that weird half-round, off-center crap that tries to pass for a porch roof. Not only that, but we’re evidently only allowed four colors of paint: monkey vomit green, monkey shit brown, a grey that might be blue (or maybe not) and a dark something or other that changes colors depending on the weather. What is up with that?

– Just Sue Me, Durango

Dear Sue,    

In response to your concerns, being that you are obviously a native to the Durango area, there’s one thing that really gripes me about locals here, the uncontrollable, unnecessary amount of bitching over the most ridiculous things. Like these new houses that are being built, I understand that Durango is one of the most beautiful places to live, but without outsider’s cash we wouldn’t be able to survive or progress economically. Besides, monkey shit brown happens to be one of my favorite color schemes they have come up with thus far, and that color that changes depending on the weather, talk about trippy. The point I’m trying to get across, is that the once small-town, hippie community that Durango used to be will inevitably change just like everywhere else. So, either change with it, or move to Utah and start your own little community where nobody will ever bother you, except maybe your eight husbands.Good luck!


Dear Diver,    

Why is it that massage therapists, tai chi and yoga instructors and others in the relaxation and centering business seem to be a bit on edge and uptight? These people are supposed to be Gandhian models of bliss and peace, but most interactions I’ve had are strained, stressful and complicated. What gives?

– Durango Donna

Dear Donna,    

This might seem a bit harsh and insensitive, but I would have to say that it’s because of people like you. These people live their lives in peace and spiritual bliss, doing nothing but good for everyone’s personal well-being, and along comes this stress ball that in turn throws off all of their positive energy. Imagine if you were a massage therapist and had to deal with angry housewives all day. Would you want to hear them bitching about how the Swifter can’t reach far enough behind the toilet to clean up the urine-stained floor? Or this other random guy bitching about how he doesn’t get the respect he deserves at the office, which is probably because he spends all his free time in his spandex bicycle shorts, that by the way don’t accentuate anything, if you catch my drift. These poor people are subjected to morons everyday, how do you think it would affect your attitude toward everyone else? Here’s my suggestion to you, the next time you go to visit your relaxation technician, show some respect and toss them a small dose of “shut the hell up” and let them do their job in peace.


Dear Diver,

Why are people so crabby right now? I’ve been honked at on Main, given a tongue lashing at a coffee shop and bumped into at the supermarket. I know it’s hot and busy out there right now, but what’s the deal? What’s really going on under the surface?

– Rhonda, Bayfield

Dear Rhonda,    

Goodness, have you stopped to wonder if maybe it’s not everyone else who is crabby?  Maybe you got honked at because you’re a class five hottie and just took it the wrong way. Or maybe the person at the coffee shop just so happened to burn their tongue right as you looked at them, and they were in excruciating pain. Maybe you bumped into that poor little old lady at the grocery store because she was moving too slow, and subconsciously it’s you who is suffering from the monthly crabby spell. I want you to take a second to reflect on how things are going for you lately, then decide if it is in fact everyone else around you, but if you want to know what’s really going on under the surface, I think it’s a conspiracy planted by the aliens to make us further destroy each other along with planet Earth, muhahahaa. No, but really they make pills for people like you, and it’s called Midol.