Dear Diver,

The big news in Britain this week is that the Spice Girls have come out of retirement. As a matter of fact, a bunch of washed-up rockers are back on tour – Genisis, the Police, Journey, Peter Frampton, Ted Nugent, the Guess Who. Word has it that the Culture Club is even coming out of the proverbial closet. Are any of the gigs worth seeing?

– Sal in Durango

Hey Sal,

A good rule of thumb on this issue would be this: If the band or group in question had less than three top 10 hits in their original era, then the show is going to suck...big time. Furthermore, if the band is represented by less than 50 percent of its original members, then pass. Remember, celebrate talent, not fads. Another indicator would be the tour’s major sponsor. If it’s Centrum Silver, Cialis, Depend undergarments or any other “geriatric” product, then it’s a pass (unless you are over 50). Spice Girls? Aren’t they Spice Women yet? - PASS. Genesis? – Don’t do anything that might bring back the ’80s - PASS. The Police? - Extreme Musicianship & Tons of Hits - MUST SEE. Journey? - Only if Steve Perry still has the vocal chops to get it done. Badly sung Journey is extra bad (just ask anyone within earshot of me when it comes on the radio). Frampton? - Ready for 45 minutes of “Do You Feel?” over the voice box? - PASS (unless over 50 as previously stated) Ted Nugent? - Only if no Damn Yankee songs are involved and you look nothing like a male deer (unless you want your lungs pierced) Guess Who? - Guess when...never. Culture Club? - Ooooh, a coked-out old queen crying on stage for two hours, same attraction as a car wreck, plus a double chin the size of a large goiter - PASS.

– Happy Concert Going, JT

Editor’s note: We regret to inform Sal, JT and the rest of Journey’s adoring public, that Steve Perry has not been with the band for several years – PASS.

Dear Diver,

Sorry to get serious on you, but here goes. Growth is obviously the big topic in Durango, and there seem to be two schools of thought: growth is bad and ruining the character and quality of life in Durango; or growth is good and is bringing more money and better jobs. Which is it? Suburbia or mountain town? Bad or good?

– Curious Carl, via e-mail

Curious Carl,

It’s OK man, I’ll get serious right back. Growth is going to happen. The problem isn’t whether or not we should grow, it’s how to effect responsible, appropriate growth and how to accurately identify what that is. IMO, the only way to do this is to put purpose and aesthetic ahead of profit. This may seem noncapitalistic, but so be it. We, as citizens of this Dreamberg, have to make sure that we are not overrun by cookie-cutter condos and heartless chain businesses whose only concern is the bottom line. People come to Durango because it offers that which is alien to them: beauty, open space, clean air, wilderness and a generally “low frequency” vibe. If we don’t control the growth vigilantly and correctly to protect those qualities, we will lose our aesthetic and our viability as a desirable destination. (And make no bones about it, that is and forever will be our bread and butter) Transparency at the City Council level will help. Say what you will about Rendon being too liberal, but he will certainly help this dynamic. The objective shouldn’t be too restrictive, and we should be mindful not to cater only to special interest lest we become another Boulder (ick!). Hey, that reminds me...How many Boulderites does it take to change a light bulb? None, they form support groups to deal with the darkness!

– JT

Dear Diver,

Should I be wearing socks with my sport sandals (you know, Tevas, Chacos, etc.)? I know it’s not the local style, but it would sink the stink. While we’re on the subject, do you have any other suggestions for dealing with Birkenstench?

– Name Withheld

Dear Mr. or Mrs. Withheld,

First of all, this is Durango, so fashion is moot (unless you are one of the psuedo-urbanites who frequent the wine and cocktail bars to network and text each other on your Blackberries). As to dealing with Birkenstench, remember, even if you’re a ropehead, you have to wash everything, head to toe. Dunking your feet in the Animas doesn’t count. Body odor is not on the endangered species list. Step one: take an old butter knife and remove all the “sweat-mud” from the inside of the shoe. Step two: Freeze the offending shoes overnight (This will kill any micro-organisms that cause recurrent foot odor). Step three: Apply a liberal amount of medicated foot powder overnight (you know the brand). Step four: Remove excess powder before wearing, as excess powder will just reconstitute into stinky “sweat-mud/paste” if you don’t. Just remember these steps and it will be okay to let your feet go “commando.”

– Peace Out, JT