Dear Diver,

Why does beer come in a six-pack? Everyone knows that eight beers provide the ideal buzz, and a 16-pack would last an entire weekend. Are the corporate masterminds at Anheuser Busch and Adolph Coors behind this conspiracy? Any chance of the local breweries breaking into the eight-pack market?

– Yours, Occasionally Drunk in Durango West

Dear Occasionally Drunk,

Since you are only occasionally drunk, you have absolutely no right to question the good people in the brewing industry. I, on the other hand, am drunk every waking moment that I’m not on campus or at work or passed out drunk (just ask my roommates). Beer comes in six-packs because sometimes six delicious True Blonde Ales is all it takes to hit that sweet satisfaction. What the hell are you thinking with that idiotic 16-pack idea? If you were paying attention you would know that beer already comes in 18-packs and by your math that would last the entire weekend plus a few hours. It might last my roommates and me an hour…before we go to the bars.

-Disgruntled Diver

Dear Diver,

Why are the richest people always the stingiest? The biggest bills where I wait tables always have the smallest tips. My mom rang the bell for the Salvation Army this year and the people wearing the fanciest clothes didn’t come close to the kettle. Whatever happened to the laws of karma?

– Donna in Durango

Dear Donna,

It seems to me that you have a flawed world perspective. The reason that the biggest tickets at your place of employment yield the smallest tips is because the people that gorge themselves typically go over-budget and sadly are forced to skimp you to avoid having to work your crappy job to pay their tab. This is what you should do; get a job at East by Southwest. The waiters there have the luxury to add a 20 percent gratuity on tables of five or more people, regardless of how terrible the service is. Yeah you, Aaron. We want our $30 back for that joke of a performance you gave us on my roommate’s birthday on January 2. That wasn’t a tip, that was theft. I am sorry about dodging your mom, I was using my card that day and I didn’t have any change. Karma is still a bitch and she got me back for that.

-The humble servant of Karma

Dear Diver,

Why didn’t the Snowdown committee choose a 007 theme for this year’s Snowdown? The pirate theme could be used any year, but James Bond would only make sense this year. Imagine a Goldfingeresque poster or a Starlight Lounge Bond-girl contest. Who’s making the decisions up there anyway?

– Aaargh, Frank, Durango

Dear Franks and Beans,

I THOUGHT it was common knowledge around here that the Snowdown theme is selected a year in advance, but that is what I get for thinking. And Bond? Are you f#@king kidding me? That is ALMOST as bad as the disco theme last year. Pirates are far superior to spies any day of the week. Pirates sail in with the skull and crossbones high and clear, jump on your boat, stab you, sail off with your booty, then proceed to get hammered. Spies sneak around and take naked pictures of your sister. Pirates are ballsy. Spies are spineless.

 -Rum-drunk Div-ARRRRRRR!