Diver,

Is America too sensitive? OK, Kramer losing it on stage and using the “N” word to that excess was a bit ridiculous. Now Rosie O’Donnell apologizes for making cracks about Chinese people. What happened to the day (the ’70s) when you could be a comedian and blast everyone? Richard Pryor did it. Bill Hicks did it. Redd Foxx did it.

– Jerry

Jerry,

Sick question bro, you’re dropping some names. No, America isn’t too sensitive, it’s  bloodthirsty for some hot new celebrity gossip to blow totally out of proportion. I’m down with Kramer, but he definitely freaked out. Rosie O’Donnell is pretty annoying. Richard Pryor definitely set himself on fire while smoking crack. Bill Hicks did a lot of acid. Redd Foxx wasn’t very nice to the ladies. I know these things because I, too, have been programmed by the TV.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

About a year ago, I started seeing this younger woman while I was on the verge of ending a two-year relationship. When the younger woman came into the picture, my ex referred to the younger woman as a “home wrecker.” Now, I’ve dumped the younger woman, and she’s completely losing it. Calling every day, getting violent, not going away. I’m about to involve the police, and I now regret ending my last relationship. Should I call the police? Is it too late to resurrect my old relationship?

– MK

MK,

I don’t really know how to break this to you, but it turns out that you’re  a complete douche. Why were you double dippin’ before you ended your previous relationship? Sounds to me like you wanted to get some fresh tracks but weren’t ready to give up the fridge full of food and the basic cable package that comes with living at your girlfriend’s parents’ house. Now home wrecker is getting crazy, and you think getting the cops involved will fix anything? You created this situation through cause and effect, and until you learn to respect women, all you’re gonna be is a chode with girl problems.

– Diver

Hey Diver,

About every two months my husband claims that he will quit drinking and quit smoking. It only lasts for about a week or so. When I mention it to him, he gets defensive, says I drink, too. I say, “Just don’t keep saying you are going to quit, then start drinking and smoking twice as much.” I love my husband, I don’t want him to die of cancer. I also don’t want to live with someone whom I think is an alcoholic. What do I do?

– Jennifer

Jennifer,

I would highly recommend helping your husband to implement a somewhat structured program through which the principles of moderation and quality can be integrated to create a foolproof strategy that will surely satisfy your need for change. I suggest fighting fire with fire. Start getting wasted all the time. Party like it’s 1999 24/7. When your husband gets home from work one night, have a bunch of 40-ouncers of really cheap, gross beer and a swag blunt and just get tore up. It probably won’t be all that cool. The next night have something really expensive, like shots of Patron and some Train Wreck. That will be cool, but it will cost like 200 bucks. Alternate back and forth until your husband can’t take it anymore. Naturally, the only logical place this process will lead, is to your husband making the decision to only drink Jose Cuervo and Blaze Beasters.

– Diver