Dear Diver,

No matter what I do, I always seem to gain about 10 pounds during the winter season. I’ve tried gym memberships, taken a pass on the holiday party circuit and even dabbled in vegetarianism (gaining 15 big ones instead of 10). Any suggestions for staying lean and mean?

– Growing outside Gem Village

Dear Growth Spurt:

I can surely sympathize with you. Seems like a year ago, I weighed 10 or 15 pounds less than I do now. But, with all the holiday goodies and parties, it may very well have been last week that I’m thinking about. But I digress. The problem with vegetarianism is that unless you’re super strict and avoid ALL animal products, there’s a lot of good fattening stuff there. Cheese. Yum. Butter. Yum yum. Cake. Yum yum yum. See where I’m heading with this? You, too, can be a fat vegetarian. Beer! Beer is vegetarian, isn’t it? I say we bag the diet crap and start our own club. FVIU.  “Fat Vegetarians Is Us” and there’s an entry price of a dozen butter cookies with buttercream frosting. Or, depending on what night we schedule the meetings, a keg of Ska Buster Nut Brown. Nuts are vegetarian too, aren’t they? Popcorn? Chips? Hello! Sign me up! If getting outside is going to help you feel better about yourself, we can always have the meetings at the Beach at Purgy’s. Fresh air, fresh beer, fresh cheese and sunlight at the beach.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

My problem has to do with a certain radio talk show host. I don’t want to give him added publicity, so I’ll call him Raunch Limburger. His constant whining makes me want to puke all over the radio, and it’s an expensive radio. Your advice, please.

– Disgusted in Durango

Dear Dissin:

My problem has to do with the fact that you can’t seem to change the channel. Now you say it’s an expensive radio, sure. Sometimes those newfangled toys don’t come with instructions, or the 10 year olds that know how to do everything for us old farts that can’t even see the directions anymore without special glasses. Never fear, once you break the cycle of dependence on the pain of listening to that recycled pond scum spouting irrelevant and manufactured drivel into the airwaves, you’ll see there’s a lot out there to listen to. I personally like local radio like KDUR because you never know what you’re going to hear, but it’s more than likely NOT to be anal-retentive, conservative bullshit. YOU HAVE CHOICES!! USE THEM!!

– Diver

Dear Diver,

My wife’s boss “accidentally” grabbed my ass at last year’s inter-office Christmas party, and I have a feeling she’s going to try it again. Not that I’m uptight, but it doesn’t feel like a repeat will be good for her job or our marriage. Any ideas?

– Junk in the trunk

Dear Accidental:

Well, there’s more than one way to think about this. You can be a willing victim, circle around the party with your apparent best side always facing the boss, (make sure she’s having a powder-sugar covered cookie and you’re wearing black slacks) then squeal like a girl when she grabs your ass and demand that someone take pictures of her fingerprints on your damaged derriere. Witnesses, evidence and then your wife becomes boss! Can you live with that? Another option would be to circle around the party and give a pre-emptive strike! Nail that grabby control freak with a good old titty twister or two. Purple Nurple City! Show her you’re not afraid! Or, there’s always the third option. If your wife likes her job and her boss likes you, just take one for the team and keep quiet about it. Your wife’s boss has a good time maintaining her superiority complex, your wife may get a promotion based on your willingness to “help out” and you have something to look forward to besides your best friend’s bean dip. Happy Holidays!!

– Diver