Dear Diver,

I recently got a new job and therefore moved into a new office. I am in desperate need of decorating tips. What should I use to cover my bland four walls? So far, all I have up are a clock, a diploma and a (real) cow skull. Any suggestions?

-Tenacious D

Dear Design Disaster,

In personal experience, I find that a cleverly placed faux diploma to accompany your existing one can really spruce up the office. Make sure to choose a realistic institution, an MBA at a small state school, or perhaps a dental degree. This is bound to impress anyone who enters. Props on the cow skull, now get some other dead animals, then mount them on the wall behind your desk with the proclamation that you hunted, skinned and stuffed all of them last week. Also, in decorating it is important to remember that green is good and fake plants never die.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

My husband is constantly fiddling with the Ipod while driving. He’s always bumping around and looking for the perfect song, especially if he’s had a few “refreshments” with dinner. I’m worried because his eyes are anywhere but on the road, and the car has been known to swerve during this process (Plus, his selections are often a bit rustic). Any ideas for keeping us safe and

him out of the tank?

- Stuck in the back seat

Dear Backseat Bettie,

Just like your husband, many of us are guilty of living “la vida loca,” and to drive means barreling down Molas Pass in an icy blizzard at 70 miles an hour while trying to light a cigarette, talk on the phone, hold the skis to the roof and choose the perfect songs for my ’80s psych-up mix. Fortunately, for people like us to live life on the edge, the frighteningly innovative people at Apple are developing a new gadget called the iCreep. The iCreep can hold up to six gazillion songs and has a cerebral brain-wave reader that automatically chooses music based on your mood in order to avoid distraction leading to an accident. Also, the iCreep includes a Swiss army knife, an HD 5-centimeter screen and a breathalizer. So now your husband won’t have an excuse for “swerving.”

– Diver

Dear Diver,

My Christmas list has almost been filled, and there’s only one gift left to get – the most difficult of all. What would you suggest as the perfect present for my finicky mother-in-law? It’s just that she’s very particular and isn’t afraid to let me know if the gift was off base. Please help.

-Hal of Hermosa

Dear Holiday in Hermosa,

Come every holiday season, I find myself in a similar situation, never knowing what to buy my family and friends. Serious answer: You can please anyone by going to their favorite store/restaurant and buying a gift certificate. It may sound boring but it can make even the most finicky of mother-in-laws satisfied. My suggestions for stores are: Pottery Barn, Chipotle or Liquor World. Although it’s obvious the hot item on everyone’s wish list this year will be the new iCreep with hands-free text messaging.

– Diver