Dear Diver,

I was raised and have been around animals all my life. I continue to be an animal lover even though I do not own pets due to my schedule (I’m being responsible). However, the following sentiment has developed over this last summer after washing bicycles out in the yard and having dog s**t squeeze up between my toes or fill the tread of my sandals:The next unleashed, un-commanded dog I see dropping its doodie in my yard will get shot, and its carcass tossed in the street. No one, absolutely no one, should have to deal with a dog’s s**t but the owner. What can we do in Durango to curb the onslaught of uncommanded droppings brought into the yard by irresponsible dog owners?

– Done With Dog Dung in Durango

D to the fourth,

I say, shoot the next uncommanded, unleashed dog that poops in your yard. Can you imagine the media coverage that would generate for this issue? Dog owners across the city would take note and do everything in their power to ensure their dog wasn’t the next victim of the consequences of walk-by-poopings. Sure, you might go to jail, but take one for the team. All 40 citizens who don’t own a dog in this town will truly appreciate it.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

Believe it or not, I have a holiday party conflict. Just yesterday, I received an invite to the annual extravaganza hosted by one of Durango’s real estate offices (you know the party, tons of expensive appetizers, all the high-end bottled beer you can drink and a stacked cocktail menu). On the same night, some of my hippie friends are potlucking (you know the rest of that story, too). What to do? High-end festive fun or soulful starvation?

– Confused at Christmas

Holidazed and Confused,

First, drop by the classy, real estate party, but don’t forget a duffel bag, and multiple Ziploc bags. Load up on fancy hors d’oeuvres and bottles of beer and cruise on over to the hippie fest. You’ll be the hit of the party and a hero to those poor, peace-loving, “The Man”-hating friends you truly love.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

While enjoying adult beverages this weekend at a local watering hole that will remain nameless, I encountered a unique situation. During my 90 minutes or so sitting at the bar, I noticed that my bartender was drinking while working. Now I’m not talking about sipping on a beer, it was more like five or six shots! My general opinion on the matter is the person serving you booze should be considerably less sloshed than the customer. Do I have a social obligation to step in here? What Would the Diver Do?

– Buzz

Bored at the Bar,

I think you’re missing the entire point of going to the bar. Next time, meet up with some friends, play pool, pick up smoking and spend most of your time “at the bar” standing in the cold. Unless your bartender is spilling booze all over you, or forgetting to ask if you need another, leave him or her alone. I mean, when was the last time you passed up a free drink?

– Diver