Dear Diver,

Help, I’m being stalked by an insurance salesman. Every four weeks or so, I get a call from a guy trying to sell me health insurance. It would be easy to deal with if it was a call from Mumbai, but this guy lives and works in Durango. I keep trying to be polite and let him down easy, knowing I’ll probably run into him somewhere. But the dude won’t take “no” for an answer. What would the diver do (WWDD)?

– Still healthy in Durango

Dear Health Nut,

In a world where beautiful people like me, and obviously you, have trouble keeping stalkers or would-be sugar mommas and daddies at bay, at least the person who is on your trail is trying to make sure you stay alive and well. Even though insurance might be the biggest scam since the tub-side toaster, it has its upsides. Actually I’m not sure that it does, insurance is like playing the same losing lottery numbers year after year and the only time you can collect is if you are mangled or disfigured. On the bright side, at least this guy isn’t boiling your pets…yet. As for What the Diver Would Do (WDWD), tell him you are indestructible and need no insurance. If all else fails, slip him a mickey and convince him that he already sold you insurance.

– Love and Kisses, The Diver

 Dear Diver,

I took a wrong turn into a neighborhood the other day and was shocked by what I saw. There were churches everywhere. So, I started doing a little research and it turns out that Durango’s loaded with religion. There are Episcopalians, Methodists, Nazarenes, Catholics, Baptists, Southern Baptists, Lighthouse Baptists and Lifeway Baptists. There are Assemblies of God, Anglicans, Seventh Day Adventists, Mormons and even a congregation of Baha’i Faith. What’s going on here? Is Southwest Colorado on the fringe of the Bible Belt or what?

– Matthew, via e-mail

My Son,

Fringe my eye! I don’t know if you had a chance to glance – I make a rhyme every time – at the titillating red/blue county map from the last election, but La Plata County looked awful lonely in these parts. But to answer your question, people love the Church; possibly even more than they love watching the MTV. But it’s a safe bet that it’s the same people doing both. In other words, The Lord is all around you, and he looks after drunks and little children, so it’s either time to belly up to the bar, or start sporting adult diapers. As far as I’m concerned, however, those two things need not be mutually exclusive.

– The Diver

Dear Diver,

I know college is back in session and everyone’s really excited. My question is – what do the students do for Durango other than wake up neighborhoods at 3 a.m. in the morning, shoplift from local stores and occasionally throw up on Main Avenue sidewalks?

– Crusty Charlie, Durango

Chuck,

I don’t know about you, but I am going to be severely disappointed if Harry Potter doesn’t die at the end of that book series. I mean, what an anti-climax. This kid has been the most powerful wizard in the world since the day he was born. He’s got a huge inheritance coming. And he’s still in high school. My point is, if he had just applied himself like that nice Hermione he could rule the world by now. Instead, he is an insufferable slacker. Where’s the underdog in that? In answer to your question, though, nothing. So I would suggest buying some diazepam and a hose. Kids will be kids, and getting worked up over it just makes everyone miserable.

– The “Growing older, not up” Diver