Failure of the family unit has been on the rise, both nationally adn locally, over the last 50 years, with nearly half of all marriages ending in divorce. However, local efforts are under way to help those going through the devastation to move on wiht their lives./Photo by David Halterman

by Linda Lovenhahl

Separation and divorce may have reached epidemic heights in our nation, depending on which statistics you are reading. Nevertheless, one thing is clear: failure of relationships within family units has been steadily rising over the last half century, and La Plata County is mirroring this trend.

The media attention to and social acceptance of these divorce rates have alarmed mental health professionals and sparked research. As a result, new programs that work to get at the root causes of divorce are increasingly available to those who are left picking up the pieces of their life.

“Kathy,” the wife of a Durango couple that divorced nine years ago, described the experience as devastating and debilitating. “I woke up one morning to hear my husband telling me he was going to leave,” she said. “I went into an incredible state of shock. I didn’t know what to do or which way to go. I had two boys to care for and raise. I know I didn’t function for a long time except for getting their basic needs met. As time passed I still couldn’t believe it was happening to me.”

Kathy said she at first experienced denial, believing she could win him back. The couple went to counseling, but it was too late, he had already made up his mind. In retrospect, she said she had noticed a change in his behavior about six months prior to his leaving. Nevertheless, it didn’t help soften the blows. “It was not OK behavior, and we were talking about it,” she said. “I was in shock a long time. It took years to regain myself.”

Kathy is not alone. According to The National Vital Statistics Reports, 7.5 percent of the U.S. adult population got married and 3.6 percent got divorced in 2005. In that same year, Colorado reported 29,706 marriages and 20,504 divorces. According to the 2000 Census, 10 percent of La Plata County’s male population and 13.4 percent of its female population was divorced. That’s a total of 23.4 percent in a population of 36,018 people age 15 and older.

More than a thousand female readers who participated in Divorce Magazine.com’s “Help for Generation ‘Ex’” online poll in October 2006 ranked their marriage’s collapse first to infidelity, followed by communication problems and then emotional/physical abuse. Almost 500 males in the same poll ranked incompatibility first, followed by communication and infidelity. A previous poll in March 2003 asked if couples would have worked harder at saving their marriage. More than 1,100 females and 1,200 males said they would.

“Mark,” a husband in a marriage that broke up 10 years ago, has since relocated to Durango and said he faired better than his wife because he could process his feelings through a “Divorce and Beyond” course. He tried counseling, too, but knows that can be expensive when money is tight.

“Mark,” a husband in a marriage that broke up 10 years ago, has since relocated to Durango and said he faired better than his wife because he could process his feelings through a “Divorce and Beyond” course. He tried counseling, too, but knows that can be expensive when money is tight.

“I feel fortunate because my former wife is still bitter and angry, but I’ve been able to start a new life,” he said. “At the time, I sought help through my church. She chose to go through public agencies. It was exasperating for me to hear male bashing and victim statements from her Mark said it was important for him to find quality help, which can be the biggest challenge when someone is feeling depressed and confused.

The Spring/Summer 2007 issue of Catholic Divorce Ministry’s Jacob’s Well magazine included facts from the Family Ministries Office. According to the office’s data, divorce happens to 50 percent of all marriages, 25 percent of catholic marriages; and couples are in trouble an average of six years before they come for help. Often that is too late.

There are many success stories about agencies and organizations addressing the root communication causes of the deteriorating family unit. Schools in New Haven, Conn., have found success in integrating Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence into the curriculum. The consensus within this program is that “villages don’t work as well to raise a child as they once did.” The Family Ministries Office echoes this. It found that children are severely affected by a divorce, especially in families where the adults continue to argue and/or disparage each other. Furthermore, suicide rates are highest among adolescents and young adults from families of divorce. Males are affected more than females.

Unfortunately, the prognosis for second or third marriages also was bleak. Remarriages have higher rates of failure than first ones. Family Ministries peg the failure rate at 70 percent, reinforcing the need for ministry is needed for “new” families. The bottom line is families affected by divorce need to be respected with new attitudes and helped from many difference angles.

Therese Michels, a retired Durango psychoanalyst, said when there is a crisis, it is followed by a period of disorientation. As such, the affected individuals need to approach the situation with new tools to put the pieces back together. “Life is not the same as it was before. It takes time to process and reorient yourself,” she said. “You need to ground yourself and decide what direction to take.”

A simple search on the internet produces a wealth of information about organizations and individuals, religious and secular, that have developed marriage seminars, retreats and programs. There are divorced persons programs as well. But no matter what form the education takes, and whether it’s aimed at keeping a marriage healthy or tending to the individual after a divorce, almost all agree it takes commitment and action.

“One of the purposes of ministry is to companion the broken hearted,” said Ginny Brown, a Durango minister with a master’s degree in social work and one a facilitator for the Colorado Lifework Foundation. “In general, our society stigmatizes and isolates divorced persons at a time when they are grieving and vulnerable. Divorced persons often lack a loving and supporting foundation from friends, family, co-workers and church members because these groups don’t know how to reach out. It is awkward.”

She said dealing with a divorce is not unlike dealing with a death. “A marriage has died, and sometimes that means the person has died inside, too,” she said. “The ministries that facilitate communication about divorce and offer tools for transitioning through the experience provide a direction toward healthy recovery.” •