Dear Diver,

Everyone seems burned out on new buildings and construction traffic and pumped about the result of the recent City Council election. What’s your prediction for the next four years? More of the same or big changes? Give us a little soothsaying from the sink.

– Happy with the outcome in Durango

Dear Happy,

Everything is going to be so freaking peachy keen it’s sickening. The war will end. Pot will be legalized, Durango will re-open its red light district, open space will be preserved, and high-rise construction will come to an extreme halt. Housing rates will drop to a record low. Every Californian will go back to California, and that state will fall into the ocean. The smoking ban will be lifted, and a stoplight will be put at the intersection of East 3rd and 15th. The Telegraph will soon cost a dollar, Phish will not get back together, yet Uncle Tupelo will. Life will be awesome. The best thing yet to come, however, is when Liggett gets elected mayor, strictly by boasting how he’s never lost his keys or wallet and he’s always on time. After that, things will REALLY look up.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

Do cars hibernate? Why is it that every spring, traffic floods back onto Durango’s streets and roads?To make matters worse, people are driving like complete animals. Do warm temperatures make people crazy? Are cars beginning to take over? Please help! It’s getting scary out there.

– Front seat driver in Durango

Front seat driver,

Yes. Every late summer and fall, cars are known to get into people’s garbage and eat as much as they can before they take on the big sleep. Here’s the real deal. Traffic does get worse in the spring. People who don’t like to drive during the winter choose to get their cars out for the spring. Since there’s so much of our oil underneath the sand in the Middle East, we have a right to use it, and a lot of it, at that. Do warm temperatures make people crazy? Of course, the less clothing thing hypes people up. Are cars beginning to take over? That’s the most ridiculous question I’ve ever read. Where have you been? Don’t you realize America is the only country where most everyone owns a car? Cars are beginning to take over because the lazy, fat, ignorant American kid needs a car to haul his or her ass to the store for cigarettes and Wonder Bread. OK, I found your rock, crawl back under.

– Thanks, Diver

Dear Diver,

What’s up with local stores making things 5 percent off and calling it a big sale? I know we should all buy local, but sometimes it’s a little ridiculous. I can buy the same stuff online, have it here in three days and save hundreds. Don’t you think local merchants need to try a little harder?

– Donna, Durango West

Donna,

I do think merchants should try a little harder. You realize the mark-up on anything retail is 100 percent? So, that $15.98 CD you buy really cost $4 to make. Those $125 padded bike shorts? Whoa, those cost about $60 to make. Wow, 5 percent off makes a pair of over-priced ski pants nothing more than a pair of overpriced ski pants. So here’s what you do. ORDER STUFF ONLINE, FROM A STORE IN CHINA. They’d be making the stuff anyway, whether Wal-mart existed or not. I agree to spend money locally. Spend it on beer and food. All other stuff you should purchase overseas. Then, with all the money you save, donate it to a local nonprofit or spend it in a fine Durango eatery or drinkery. You have money left over? Vacation in China. That place rules.

– Diver