The gods must be crazy



by Ted Holteen

Our opening item this week comes from the “Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue” department. Maybe it’s karma, maybe an angry God, maybe Buddha’s got a mean streak we never saw, but I feel like I’ve been smote. As punishment for mortgaging my soul at Lucifer’s Pawnshop (See also: Telluride) for this weekend’s Blues & Brews festival, one deity or another apparently thought it would be funny to cut a scene from “It’s A Wonderful Life” and show me what things would be like in Durango if I left for a couple of days. Unfortunately for me and unlike the irreplaceable George Bailey, it seems things tend to improve when I’m not around to screw them up. If somehow you were overcome with the spirit of common sense and opted to educate your daughter at Barnard instead of renting a condo for three days in an L.L. Bean catalog, you’ll reap the rewards of your clean living in the here and now rather than waiting to see whose Bible was right. In past years, New Belgium Brewing’s Tour de Fat has been an amusing if not exciting autumn diversion, bringing some neat bikes, beer and pedestrian musical acts. No more. This Saturday’s ballyhoo looks a lot better than what I’ve got planned up north, what with a parade, that beer I mentioned and some of the most intriguing entertainment that I’ve seen in town since those Chinese acrobats were here. The Handsome Little Devils look like a talking version of Mumenshantz, Rube Wadell must be seen to be understood, the MarchFourth Marching Band is much cooler than it sounds, but it’s The Yard Dogs Road Show that promises to steal the show. It’s a vaudevillian musical revue with sword swallowing, dancing girls, fire-eaters and sunset hobo poetry. From the photos that I downloaded and now have hanging in my bedroom, I can attest that the dancing girls are really hard to not look at (see photo). I cannot possibly explain just what’s coming in the space provided, so I implore you to go to www.newbelgium.com and take a long hard look at the Tour de Fat link. It sounds great. Wish I could go.

As if missing a day of burlesque on Main Avenue weren’t enough, The Summit decided this would be a good weekend to book a couple of nights that would actually get me out of my house had I stayed around. On Friday night, Drag the River returns, always a good thing, and The Freeman Social will be softening up the crowd for them. I’m sure the whole evening will suck, and I hear Bubba’s hot wife went and gained 45 pounds working at Red Lobster, so I don’t imagine I’ll be bitter or anything while I’m trying to rent carpet space to hippies to raise the necessary $75 to get a decent breakfast in Telluride. It gets even worse on Saturday. If for some reason you don’t check out the Tour, you can still experience the Yard Dog thing that night at the Summit. I bet it gets even weirder after they’ve been drinking all day and night. And did I mention the dancing girls? (See photo, again). Jerks.

Election season is coming, and with it comes a chance to abuse the unique privilege I’ve been given to voice my opinion in a public forum. At a certain level of government, I truly believe that partisan politics become so blurred as to be indistinguishable. Bush, Kerry, Allard, Pol Pot – the upper echelon of the ruling classes are equally Machiavellian in what they want and how they get it. So be it. But at the local level, you can still bump into your elected officials at Joel’s during happy hour, and if you’ve been there long enough you could even take a swing at them. I mentioned a few weeks back that the venom that was so evident in 2004 could be tempered a bit, as the candidates tend to be a bit more moderate this time around, which is nice. And so I can lend my endorsements to Joelle Riddle and Joe Colgan. It’s nice to get back to political debate conducted above the belt. Most importantly, vote. If you’re not registered, get registered – there’s still plenty of time before November happens. I bet you could even register at the Karyn Gabaldon Gallery on Saturday evening at 6 p.m. Coincidentally, Joelle and Joe will both be there admiring paintings and asking people for money. So will John Salazar. OK, you caught me. It’s actually a fund-raiser. But unless you’re planning on catching Lou Reed in Telluride for one of his only six performances this year (I knew there was a legitimate reason I was going there), maybe stop by and pick up a T-shirt or bumper sticker or something. There’s also a fund-raiser on Friday night, but I’d be shocked if anyone who reads this column goes to events that cost 100 bucks a pop. But if I’m wrong, it’s at the Ellis Crane Gallery at 5:30 p.m.

Your rumor printed here as fact. egholteen@hotmail.com. I think I was too generous with the Broncos – let’s call it six wins for now. •

In this week's issue...

August 16, 2019
Quick'n'Dirty

• Meetings explore homelessness
• City hosts tour of Roosa upgrades

August 16, 2019
Dirty talk

Conservation groups ask feds to put brakes on e-bikes on nonmotorized public lands

August 8, 2019
Step by step

Over the past several years, Colorado’s elected leaders have tried to tackle the rising cost of healthcare.