Diver,

I have a black lab that doesn’t like to swim. Am I doing something wrong? How can I get this damn dog to swim?

– Jonny

Yo Jonny,

Having never sniffed your dog’s ass, I can be no judge of its character. Instead I will pass this one off to my loyal black lab, Poet.

POET: Surely you are familiar with the phrase, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink,” right? Well the same applies to us dogs, so teach by example mate. Are you swimming with him, or simply throwing a stick into the river and ordering him to get it? When I was but a wee pup, David carried me into deep water and let me go, leaving me no choice but to swim. I am sure your dog just needs a little motivation.

Here’s a secret: No dog actually likes to swim. I swim for the treats and the ladies, and that’s it. Give him something to swim for, and maybe he will do it. Now if you will please excuse me, I have things to lick and places to pee.

– Poet

Diver,

I’m a college student and last semester, I went off on a trip with my girlfriend to France and Thailand. I’m now a senior, and I need to graduate one day, but I have realized I love making pottery! Please tell me, should I fin

ish my anthropology degree and try to get a real job or should I try to go the way of the starving artist?

– Thanks,

Pottery Dude

Dear Pot Dude,

If I had 20 pennies for every time I heard this question, I could buy a pack of Juicy Fruit and still have enough for an iron-on Dusty Springfield patch. Why don’t you just kill two birds with one stone? Tough shot, but if the rock is big enough, it is possible. And after you do that, do this. Finish up your schooling and get your degree, but don’t rush into the All-American work force just yet. What do you mean by “real job?” Do you mean the daily grind, hating your boss, losing your hair, sitting in traffic and wondering what the hell happened to your life? Sounds like a hoot! Why don’t you go the way of your real interest and see what happens? How much money do you think you can make with a B.S. in anthropology anyway? You may make more by selling your pottery, my brother! Anyhow, it’s not about how much you make, it’s doing what you want to and living your f-ing life! Screw all of the “real job” idealistic illusions, do what you love and be someone.      

– David

Hey Diver,

I just started dating this really HOT girl, who is very athletic and likes to do athletic things. I’m quite fit but not very athletic, don’t ski, hike or any of that crap. But I do like having the hot girl. But, I figure soon enough she is

going to see right through me and realize I just like to smoke weed and be lazy. What to do?

– Martin

Martin,

HOW BIZARRE! I just got a question from this chick who says that she just started dating this really HOT guy who is a total burnout and sits on his lazy ass all day long pullin’ tubes. She isn’t really much of a toker; in fact she is REALLY athletic and into skiing, hiking and all of that crap. She is worried that soon during a brief moment of sobriety he may see right through her and realize that she has goals and loads of motivation, soon leaving her for a much less complicated partner. Sounds like you’re in the money, so just keep smoking weed and being lazy dear sir; the ladies will flock to you. (Why? I don’t know … sig.)

– Peas, Davidovitch