Diver: Shawn Fergusson from the Office

Facts: Wow, mousetraps, friends and all-around kindness are what this dude dishes out

 

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Hey Diver,

I live in the valley and have a mouse problem in my house. My husband and I constantly battle about mousetraps, you know, the good, old-fashioned mouse traps. He likes to re-use the traps after they catch/kill a mouse. I throw them away. Basically he’s just being cheap, but to be honest with you, getting the mouse corpse out of that thing grosses me out, and I just don’t want to reuse them. Are they re-usable? If I do re-use them, can I catch some kind of disease?

– Dawn

Dawn,

Have I got the thing for you! The electronic mouse trap by Victor! No joke. The M690 Pest Chaser emits a high-pitched frequency that humans and nonrodent pets can’t hear. This little baby covers about 400 square feet. No traps, no glue, NO MICE! Hands-free pest control, what a wonder. However, the time-tested, tried-and-true method of employing a mass murderer is always recommended, by that I mean an orange tabby cat of course.

– Happy Hunting, Diver

Hey Diver,

I have lots of friends, and none of them like each other. I introduced my new friend “Joey” to my old friend “Mitch” and they didn’t hit it off. Now each talks bad about the other. How am I supposed to deal with this?

– Jerry

Jerry,

Celebrity Death Match style! Get your friends unwittingly to arrive at a location of your choosing (a remote empty lot or alleyway will do best). Then give “Mitch” a can of pepper spray, and “Joey” a baseball bat and let the best friend win! Sure you’ll be less one friend, but just think of what it’ll be like to have a gladiator for a companion, you’d be like Ceasar or Pompeii or somebody. Or … you could just tell ’em what the Mothers of the Midwest always say, “Just kill ’em with kindness, dear.”

– Diver

Diver,

I’m a 54-year-old divorced man, yet I don’t look 54, more like 40. Recently at a bar, I met a 21-year-old woman, and we talked quite a bit. We have gone on one date, and she wants to pursue this relationship. I’m a little reluctant considering the age difference, the that fact she’s younger than some of my kids and all that. However, celebrities do it, why the hell can’t I? What do you think?

Sam

Sam,

Are you a man Mr. Sam I am? Are you, are you really a man? Let’s take a look at the facts here Sam. First, you have a 21-year-old woman interested in you. Second … there is no second. You have a 21-year-old who’s willing to go out with you again? *(^%@! If it’s good enough for Michael Douglas, The Donald, Tony Randall and that toolbox Tom Cruise, than it sure as heckfire is good enough for you Mr. Sam Sam Sam I am. (Sorry, couldn’t resist).

– Diver

In this week's issue...

June 13, 2019
Haven't got time for the pain

In the words of the great Salt-N-Pepa, let’s talk about sex (baby.) There, we said it.

June 13, 2019
Scoping begins on Silverton travel plan

The plan to bring more singletrack to Silverton is rolling forward. Last week, the Bureau of Land Management announced the beginning of a 30-day public scoping period on its proposed Silverton Area Travel Management Plan.

June 10, 2019
2019 Hardrock taps out

Snow, avi debris, high flows force cancellation