Dear Diver,

My family and I moved into a new house and a new neighborhood a year ago and my neighbor has been impossible! He is trying to run us out of the neighborhood, and for what reason I don’t know. He dumps trash in our yard, used some form of chemical to write the word “whore” on our lawn and basically is taunting and intimidating us. The police do nothing …what do you recommend?

– Family starting to get angry,

via e-mail

Dear Family,

No need to get angry, what your neighbor needs is a job that allows him to exercise his unique talents.You can play a huge role in this man’s life! He needs a job that utilizes his skills as an asshole, i.e. DMV worker, meter-man or White House press secretary. We particularly suggest he try being the Wal-Mart self-checkout facilitator. This serves a dual purpose: he gets to be a curmudgeon while supporting the robot economy. Everyone has a niche; it’s just a matter of finding the right one.

As for your burned lawn, xeriscaping is the current yuppie trend, so you could turn your front lawn into New

Mexico and save on the H2O bill.

– Yours, Divers

Diver,

I’m a high school freshman and want to know what the best way is to get people to stop teasing me. I’m sick of it! I’m on the verge of kicking someone’s ass.

– Jack

Dearest Jack,

Jen sez: Being teased in high school is essentially being elected president of the “most likely to become a sensitive, highly emotionally evolved adult” club. Yeah, it sucks for a while, but it means you’re doing something right. Stick with it, and remember that violence is never the answer.

Trey sez: Normal is boring. Buy a light saber, wear cloaks and combat boots, and wait until the uncreative morons get stuck in a dead-end job behind a boring desk in a boring office going home to a boring family. Keep it real.

Callie sez: Man, trust me, there is no way to make them stop teasing you. Just like there is no way to make them give you free stuff, because, you know, that’d be cool, too. F them. Get a hobby, learn a trade. High school should not be compulsory.

- Divers 3

Hey Diver,

I have a sneaking suspicion one of my employees is drinking on his lunch break. I don’t have hardcore proof, like being able

to smell liquor on his breath, but it just seems like it. Thing is, I’m friends with this guy, so I’m not sure how to approach this. How should I handle it while not jeopardizing our friendship?

– Mark via e-mail

Oh Mark,

We’d say you’ve missed the boat. And by boat, we mean cruise, and by cruise we mean the booze cruise. And in so doing, you’ve probably misidentified the problem. You’ve given a fellow human being, a friend, a job he can perform while intoxicated. And here our critical analysis of your issue comes to a halt due to missing key information. Is your friend a lackey at the disc golf course? If so, lighten up, we don’t see a problem. If he’s responsible for restarting the hearts of cardiac patients, however, you may need to speak to your supervisor.

– Best of luck, Divers