Dear Diver,

Don’t you think bringing back the draft would be a great way to give the hippies something to do, as well as get rid of a few young Republicans?

– Jack

Jack,

Well, that’s an interesting idea. For starters, hippies always have something to do. Begging for money, avoiding hard work, mindlessly spinning around to jam bands (not because they like the music, but because they are a part of a scene where someone told them they should like the music) and smelling bad will keep a hippie busy for days, weeks even. As for getting rid of a few young Republicans, well, if we do that who will beat up the hippies?

– Diver

Diver,

Are you familiar with the band Metallica? You know, they were once metal gods but turned into darlings of MTV and hated Napster? Do you think if their original bass player, Cliff Burton, were still alive he would have left the band by now, since Metallica is now the equivalent of a boy band? Am I totally baffling you? Do you even like Metallica?

– Jonny

Jonny,

No, you aren’t baffling me, and as a matter of fact, this is the best question I’ve ever read. We’re dealing with something really important here, and that’s integrity within a band. So Metallica, the band that became a “metal boy band” somewhere around 1993 or ’94. Metallica, whose core members (Hetfield and Ulrich) are controlling ex-drunks who wouldn’t even let Burton’s replacement do what he wanted to. They my friend, forgot what “the music” is all about. Metallica, whose faces were all overRolling Stone and MTV, two mediums so far removed from “metal” that they wouldn’t know Venom from Slayer or Cannibal Corpse from Dying Fetus. So, to answer your question, would Cliff Burton have left the band? I’m not sure, get over it, he’s dead. Does Metallica suck, and have they sucked since they put out the Black Album? Yes.

– Diver

Diver,

I recently went on a camping trip with my neighbor. I love this woman to death, but boy, does she talk. She never shuts up. Well, she kept saying how nice it would be to hike to some remote location, sit around, and read a book. She brought four books. We get there, set up camp, and she never shut up. It’s like some crazy insecurity, that if she’s silent, she’s doing something wrong. It drove me nuts, finally I just told her to shut up for 30 minutes. She got mad and hiked out. I feel kind of bad, but I also need for her to know that talking all the time isn’t necessary! Did I do something wrong?

– M. D. via e-mail

M.D.,

Well congrats, you got rid of her! Admit it, you hated her. Her endless babbling, “blah blah, blah, blah, my son does this and my son does that.” You know what? Stop feeling bad! This woman drove you absolutely mad! So she’s gone, the only thing you feel bad about is the fact that you now won’t be able to talk to your other friends about how much she talks! Now that I think about it, this has saved you! It’s saved you from being a terrible gossip and a terrible friend. Look at that, you being rude to someone has actually improved your life, thus bettering your well-being and giving you a chance to finally get into heaven. Now leave me the hell alone.

– Diver