Divers:David from Nature’s Oasis

Facts:David’s got the straight, organic scoop on infidelity, military training and price gouging

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Diver,

I am a recently moved 13-year Durango resident. I’m aware of the mountain philosophy that you don’t lose your girlfriend, you loose your turn. Well, before leaving, I had imported a longtime love of mine and made myself very clear on my beliefs on living and telling the truth. I became aware of her not living this way, so I dumped her. She then proceeded to hunt all my close friends to seduce them into bed. Upon asking one of my friends if he had banged my ex, he sought to convince me with all his “landscaping pro talk” that he was my friend and would never do such a thing. My ex then later told me she did seek him out, and he was lying his ass off. So my question is, why would this piece of caca, who passed himself off as my friend for 13 years, lie to me?

– Yours truly, Mr. Snipes

Dear Wesley,

I’ve just gotta say I loved you in “White Men Can’t Jump.” Great question here...tough answer, though. I have only lived in Durango for just over a year, having moved from some overpopulated semi-suburb of Washington D.C. where this type of thing happens all of the time. Remember the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal? How he lied many times over? That was a terrible blow (no pun intended) to the psyche of the American male. Men everywhere with half a brain and one eye open started screwing around and not being honest about it. I suppose your bloke was one of those. So, Wesley Snipes, there is only one thing to do: make like Hillary and “fuhgetaboutit.” I mean, she was your ex after all. But if you wanna teach your landscaper a thing or two, let me know.

– David

Dear Diver,

I’ve come to the conclusion that the only people that know how to follow directions have done some time in the military. Now this is not a letter endorsing the war, or the military. This is just a statement of fact. I work in a business where I train people. When I say “this is how you do this” some wanna-be idealist says “well I think I can do it this way,” then they usually fail. However, I just trained an ex-Navy captain, this person listened intently, took notes and now knows what is going on. Do you agree with this? Boy, it’s awesome when you train somebody to do something RIGHT and they can.

– Thanks, Mac in Hermosa

Hey Mac,

Jakiw Palij was also in the military. He now lives in Queens, N.Y., and he also trained people to do a job a certain way. He did this in the early ’40s, and he did his job well. He followed directions from his superiors and passed them off to his trainees with perfection. Everyone was following orders, just like they were told, and everybody was happy. This man was training a group of people you may know as the Schutzstaffel, SS, or Nazi regime. Moral of the story: eat more kale. The act of following directions should be determined by your maturity, life experiences and gut feeling. Doing as you’re told just for that sake is submission. Where would the world be if nothing new was ever tried, no risks taken, and no orders denied? Let the wanna-be idealists make their mistakes and evolve into REAL idealists, who may still muck everything up. Leave our soldiers out of this and crack a cold one, Mac.

– David

Diver,

I was recently in a bar in your town and had a major conflict with my beer prices. I order a delicious microbrew from the waitress, it’s $3.75. Minutes later, the waitress was busy, it was late, I get the beer from the bartender. Three bucks. They tell me they put a difference in the beer price between bar and wait staff, but refused to tell my why, other than, “that’s just the way it is.” What does that mean?

– Bryant

Bryant,

Ah yes, the classic “Bruce Excuse.” Bruce Hornsby and The Range released “The Way It Is” in the mid-’80s, instantly propelling him to superstar status. This phrase has been a staple of irritated mothers, politicians and apparently good bartenders ever since. You must have just recently reached the legal age to drink, otherwise your bar math skills would be better. Look at it: You got a “delicious microbrew” for $3.75, got another one for $3 and then complained. Your next beer would have cost you a mere $2.25, but instead you turned this into a, if I may quote you, major conflict! My advice? You and Mac from Hermosa should get together, have a drink, throw in a pro-landscaper or two, and have a ball.

– Peas, David


In this week's issue...

June 13, 2019
Haven't got time for the pain

In the words of the great Salt-N-Pepa, let’s talk about sex (baby.) There, we said it.

June 13, 2019
Scoping begins on Silverton travel plan

The plan to bring more singletrack to Silverton is rolling forward. Last week, the Bureau of Land Management announced the beginning of a 30-day public scoping period on its proposed Silverton Area Travel Management Plan.

June 10, 2019
2019 Hardrock taps out

Snow, avi debris, high flows force cancellation