Diver: Jeff from Cuckoos

Facts: Jeff doesn’t play well with others

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

Yesterday my neighbor stopped by to tell me she is moving. We have been good neighbors but not extraordinarily close, and her husband has been transferred to another state. She asked me whether her 17-year-old son could live with us while he finished his last year of school here in town. She also offered to pay room and board. We don’t know these people well at all and are surprised to find them wanting us to care for their son. What should we do?

–Neighbor in Need

Dear Neighbor in Need,

I must start by saying that moving schools your senior year is tough, especially toward the end of the year. Heck yeah, let the kid stay with you. Charge his parents room and board, and then put the strapping lad to work. I’m not talking about mowing the lawn or doing laundry. I’m talking about that water feature you’ve always wanted in your back yard that looks like Pagosa Hot Springs. This may cut into school time, so encourage him to skip classes. You will be teaching him a trade, so he won’t need his high school diploma. His diploma will just lead to that “get rich quick” scheme: college. You’ll be saving his parents a ton of cabbage. If he does insist on finishing school, please warn him about the Shane Larsons out there combing the high schools for little boys.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

My former friends at school were in a tough, trouble-making group. We ran a bit wild. I’ve gotten away from my old friends, but sometimes I hear things and recently heard that the group is planning to vandalize a teacher’s house. Who knows? It might even become personal. I am not a part of it. I did not plan it. I did not approve it, or anything else. Should I tell the teacher involved? I don’t want to see anything bad happen. But if it does, I don’t want to get ANY of the blame for it. What should I do?


Dear Reformed Trouble Maker,

Being scared of getting in trouble is no way to get through life. Now this is a great opportunity for you to get back into your trouble-making ways, have a great time and avoid ALL blame in doing so. Hide in the yard of this teacher and videotape the vandals at work. Since you don’t get along with this particular teacher, he/she gets their just desserts. You now have evidence that you didn’t do anything wrong, you can now mimic your old friends’ handiwork on anyone that angers you at the time. If anything comes back to you, just show the cops your videotape, and you’re off the hook, SCOTT FREE. Be forewarned. If your old friends find out what you did, PAYBACKS can really SUCK!

– Diver

Hey Diver,

I just got yet another DUI! Well guess what, this is my third. So, I lost my license a year ago, but still own a truck. Well, I was so craving a beer the other night and didn’t want to walk all the way to Wagon Wheel so I took a chance (I thought I was sober) and drove my truck down there.

Well, I blew through a stop sign and got pulled over and am back in trouble. So, now I really won’t get my license, will have to quit my job, and probably do time. How can I tell my family, co-workers and all of that goofy stuff?

– Distressed DUI girl in Durango

Dear Distressed DUI Girl,

Congratulations! You are truly a local here in Durango. Did you think everyone in town rides a bicycle for their health? If you’re worried about telling family, coworkers and friends, it’s OK. They already know you are a lush. Your friends don’t like it when you’re always trying to bum rides. Next time you want to jump on down to the Wagon Wheel for a beer, consider staying on the whole wagon. If this is too much trouble to do, switch to hard alcohol. Vodka has no smell. Don’t you know that beer will give you an unsightly gut? Last but not least, for the love of God, quit hanging out with Katie Frye at Ska-B-Q. She is a fun drunk but a bad influence. On that note, I am very disappointed in you boys down at Ska. Katie is more of a Steamworks girl.

– Diver