Diver: Matt and Elijah from Lady F’s

Facts:These Spandex-loving divers are currently serving out lengthy bans from the Durango RecCenter


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.


A few months ago, some radical environmentalist spoke on campus at the Fort. Well, he was going off about people with cell phones, encouraging people to blow up cell phone towers and other crazy stuff. Well, I dig his message, and so did many others. When he mentioned the cell phone thing, all these pseudo hippies cheered in agreement, But when it was over, I saw a certain number of the people cheering cell phone destruction on their cell phones. What’s up with that?

– Colin

Colin, you pseudo-hippie hater,

We understand how you feel, and you’re in luck because we have mixed feelings about the issue. We can’t stand it when we don’t have enough bars to text message our friends, whether camping in Arches or half-way up a double pitch at East Animas. On the other hand, it is so annoying when some loud mouth at breakfast is gabbing away about how expensive the patchouli oil is or how rice milk is better in a white Russian than 2%. We feel the point is radical environmentalists wouldn’t be able to keep up the technology hatin’ unless they checked their e-mails, used GPS to locate the towers, and digitally recorded the explosion for their blogger.

– Peace, Love and Dope, Divers


I’m 12 years old, and I’m writing about my friend, or ex-friend, who is also 12. He’s a bully! He’s the kind of guy that walks around at the Rec Center and will snap his towel at people, even after he’s been politely asked to stop. Recently we were in the woods walking on a fallen tree and he pushed me off into some sticker bushes, then just laughed. Well, one of these days he’s going to get his butt kicked. Is that fair, to have him beat up by, like, five of us?

– Thanks, Ralph

Dear Ralphie,

I know the kid you’re talking about. Just the other day, he whipped me with that damn towel while I was waiting in line for the big water slide. So, I feel your pain. I thought I could lose him in the Jazzercise class, but it turns out he likes Spandex just as much as I do. Before I ramble on about my obsession with Spandex, let’s get back to the hobbit at hand. Here are a few options: First, start rumors that he hasn’t hit puberty yet. Second, tell his girlfriend he has another girlfriend in Ignacio or just try to kiss her. Or lastly, you don’t need five people, you just need one Andy “Suge Knight” Robinson, and you can watch as Andy shakes him down like the oompa-loompa he is.

– Sack up, Your Spandex-loving divers


I’ve recently moved into a townhouse. It’s lovely except for my nextdoor neighbors. They have annoying behaviors like claiming unassigned parking spaces in such a way that puts the rest of us at a disadvantage. They drive their motorcycles off their patios, filling our homes with exhaust and noise, and leave on bright floodlights for nights on end, which light up my window. The other neighbors have adjusted to this pair’s limit bending. I seem to be the neighbor most affected by their behaviors. Is there anything I can do? I’m about ready to lose my mind, it just isn’t fair.

 – Annoyed in a new townhouse

To the real annoying neighbor,

Unless your townhouse is in the retirement home up Junction Creek, quit your bitching, stiffin’ that quivering upper lip, and get yourself some leather. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. So rent out Iron Maiden for a Sunday night, get some Ska kegs and send the lawyers “running for the hills.”

 – “If you never stop rockin’ you’ll never grow old,” Divers