Diver: Dan and George from Aspen Café

Facts:Drunks, whippits and Dio are what these guys know.

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Hey Diver,

I’m tired of people making the devil sign with their fingers to signify something that is cool, or something that rocks, or whatever. It’s pretty damned lame. It was cool when Ronnie James Dio did it in like ’84, but now it’s pretty freaking silly. As far as I’m concerned, the devil sign has as much to do with rock and roll as the New Kids on the Block. What do you think?

– Jack

Jack,

You are right, people who do the devil hand sign are lame. Just kidding, jackass, you are the one that’s lame. Hand signals are very important, gangsters need them, as do dirty hippies, deaf rockers, surfers and, most importantly, me, who often uses the one-fingered version.

– Divers

Dear Diver,

Are whippits, you know, nitrous oxide, REALLY dangerous? The dentist gives it to you, what is wrong with ingesting it recreationally? I hear they call it hippie crack but why?

–Thanks, Walt

Walt,

Nitrous oxide is not dangerous, how can anything that deprives the brain of oxygen be harmful? I recommend you do it often, have fun! Waaa Waaa Waaa Waaa!

– Divers.

Diver,

I’m trying to keep my husband from drinking and driving. He goes out, has about six beers and drives home. Sure he can drive safely (I think) on six beers if he’s lucky not to get into an accident. However, if someone hits him, and someone in that other car gets hurt, guess what? He’s gonna get nailed for drunk driving. Not to mention if he gets a DUI just by getting pulled over, we’ll be out a few thousand bucks. Yet he doesn’t listen. How can I make him listen?

– Marge

Marge,

If your husband’s name is Homer and he drinks Duff Beer, then what I’ve seen of him, he’s too far gone and there is nothing you can do. If this is a different Marge, then what you need to do is fight for this town to get better public transportation to cart all of us drunks around.

– Divers

In this week's issue...

June 13, 2019
Haven't got time for the pain

In the words of the great Salt-N-Pepa, let’s talk about sex (baby.) There, we said it.

June 13, 2019
Scoping begins on Silverton travel plan

The plan to bring more singletrack to Silverton is rolling forward. Last week, the Bureau of Land Management announced the beginning of a 30-day public scoping period on its proposed Silverton Area Travel Management Plan.

June 10, 2019
2019 Hardrock taps out

Snow, avi debris, high flows force cancellation