April fool's and seven years of being cuckoo

by Ted Holteen

I had planned to have some fun with y’all, this being April Fool’s weekend, but then it occurred to me that for every one of you savvy enough to appreciate a good joke when you read one, there’d be five of you waiting in line at the Concert Hall for tickets to see Peter Frampton opening for A Tribe Called Quest. God, I hate the ignorant masses. You idiots take all the fun out of making idiots of you. What I can do, however, is suggest some innovative ideas to provide a welcome break from the mundane pranks that your office class clown repeats year after year. While sending an e-mail from the boss’ computer to your cubicle neighbor detailing her big promotion if she would just “cooperate” is good for a few chuckles in the break room, I challenge you to take things a step further and do some irreparable damage for once. But feel free to use that one if you’re unfortunate enough to have to spend your weekdays in a stifling office environment that leaves you actually looking forward to another NBC “Must Watch Thursday” or whatever the hell you drones do for excitement. Go big. For example:

1) Death. Not just “Did you hear – Rikki Lake died!” Make it more personal. Go to a friend’s house with like two or three other people, tell your friend that his Dad died, but don’t stop there. Arrange for a bereavement fare from the airlines, zip your pal to the airport and actually let him fly all the way home to Michigan. When he gets home, the folks will be delighted at the surprise visit, he’ll be ecstatic that the old man is still doing fine, and joy will reign. You’re on your own when he gets back to Durango, as by then it’ll be mid-April and the joke part may have worn off. Variations on this theme can include children and pets. But do it tastefully.

2) This next one’s all in the delivery. Tell your friend, “I didn’t want to be the one to tell you this, but I’d rather you hear it from me. Your wife is sleeping with Liggett.” If your friend doesn’t know Liggett, substitute an attractive close friend using your best judgment about who would most piss off your mark. The key here is realism and sincerity. The mark will be skeptical if you claim the wife is sleeping with, say, Louie Anderson. I mean, really – that fat ass wouldn’t last 10 minutes at this altitude and likely has battled impotency since puberty. Ladies, this can work for you, too. You all think every other woman is a slut anyway, so it should be even easier, especially if your friend is insecure and thinks her man’s been cheating since the wedding, which he probably has.

Fun stuff, that, but once again I must get back on track and fulfill my charter here at the newspaper. For your early-bird Thursday reading bonus this week, you are rewarded with the chance to catch a new documentary on one of the most influential and entertaining punk bands of the genre. “We Jam Econo” is the story of The Minutemen, and unlike their songs, I expect the film to last more than a minute and 12 seconds. The story of Mike Watt, George Hurley and the late, great founder, D. Boon, should be as entertaining as it is educational. KDUR is showing the movie on campus tonight at 7 p.m. in Room 130 of Noble Hall, which is not a normal classroom and is actually a fine venue for viewing flicks. Plus, KDUR gets the money. It seemingly won’t be long before they get a piece of every financial transaction conducted in this town. I really need to get a bogus charity started. Stay tuned next week to see how you can help.

The Minutemen

Fun stuff, that, but once again I must get back on track and fulfill my charter here at the newspaper. For your early-bird Thursday reading bonus this week, you are rewarded with the chance to catch a new documentary on one of the most influential and entertaining punk bands of the genre. “We Jam Econo” is the story of The Minutemen, and unlike their songs, I expect the film to last more than a minute and 12 seconds. The story of Mike Watt, George Hurley and the late, great founder, D. Boon, should be as entertaining as it is educational. KDUR is showing the movie on campus tonight at 7 p.m. in Room 130 of Noble Hall, which is not a normal classroom and is actually a fine venue for viewing flicks. Plus, KDUR gets the money. It seemingly won’t be long before they get a piece of every financial transaction conducted in this town. I really need to get a bogus charity started. Stay tuned next week to see how you can help.

My, but time does fly. It seems that only yesterday I was choking down a martini amid the cigar smoke at the Green Olive Grill, but I guess it’s really been more like seven years. Such must be the case, as the successor to the GOG, our fabulous Cuckoo’s Chicken House & Waterin’ Hole, is celebrating that anniversary on Saturday night. Musical entertainment will be provided once again by the Lawn Chair Kings, who played their first public gig at Cuckoo’s long ago, when the Reddings were just figuring out how to make all other wings in town obsolete. In fact, I don’t even know why those other restaurants bother with the pigeon parts that pass for wings nowadays. I guess I’m spoiled, but happily so. It’s nice to know that quality and being nice to people can still be rewarded tangibly. Congratulations, Chris & Michelle.

The duplex of Cuckoo’s and the Abbey Theatre is a wonderful combination, and this Sunday following the big party, you can theoretically spend the entire day there. After a day spent viewing golf, women’s basketball and spring baseball you should be ready for something a bit more upbeat. (While I’m thinking about it, don’t forget Opening Day is Monday, as is the NCAA Men’s Championship.) Upbeat is exactly what you’ll find at the Abbey Sunday night, as Josh Bensik presents an evening of DJs doing what they do best – DJ’ing. Headlining the show is Zion I, joined by Prozack Turner & DJ Flip and DJ Vajra, which looks like Viagra but just isn’t that funny of a joke so please don’t say that. The show gets under way at 9 p.m. and would last ‘til dawn if the music makers had their druthers, but you should probably plan on having to leave by 2 a.m. or so.

Tell me how the faked death works out. egholteen@hotmail.com. Next week: Why we hate the English. (And no, it has nothing to do with Ireland – we don’t like them either.) •

In this week's issue...

June 13, 2019
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