Dear Diver,

Recently, I tried to break up a fight in a bar, and one of the guys fighting accidentally hit me, breaking my jaw. My jaw is now wired shut for six weeks. Can I take legal action on this person, or perhaps the bar where the incident happened?

                                         – Howie

Howie,

No, you cannot sue anybody. What you can do, though, is become a contestant on UFC’s First Time Fighters produced by Mark Burnett on the E! Television Network. You should prove to be good fist fodder for some guy named Tommy from Schenectady, N.Y.

                                          – Diver

Diver,

It’s St. Patricks Day again? I’m about 96 percent Irish but never celebrate St. Patrick’s because it brings out nothing but amateurs. Nor have I ever been to Ireland. I’m willing to bet the dipshits drinking all that green beer have never been to Ireland, either. Is drinking green beer even honorable in Ireland? I just don’t get it; maybe you can explain it to me.

      –  Patrick McGinty, via postcard

O’ Patty McGinty,

You hit the Welshman right in the ballocks! As a Scot and a true son of Fergus Mor the First King of Scotland (note the “ss” of the surname above) I have it on very reliable info that green beer is a fallacy and never consumed except on this side of the big pond by pimply faced coeds in their first year away from home. So tomorrow, when you arrive at the keg party with green beer, educate the stupid SOB in charge and then break the tap. Oh, I almost forgot, tomorrow I’ll be the guy with the “F—- Me I’m Scottish!” T-shirt.

                                          – Diver

Dear Diver,

My son, who moved out of our house when he was 18, just bought a house next to my wife and I. He’s a good kid, supports himself etc, but now comes over to eat food every day. He’s 36! Breakfast, lunch, dinner, dishes, messes, it’s like we’re raising a 16-year-old again! I’m sick of it. I’ve told him, but he doesn’t care. Use your own freaking kitchen! What can I do?

                   – Angry Dad in Dolores

Dad,

If he’s coming over for B/L/D this is not the poster child “good kid,” who supports himself! You’re from Dolores right, well Jesus! Put the boy to work muckin out the horse barn or some other degrading ranch chore! If this approach doesn’t work, go on over to his house and watch “Extreme Makeover” reruns on satellite TV.

– Diver